Hideous Man-Beast Washes Up On Shore Of Municipal Pool

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Hideous Man-Beast Washes Up On Shore Of Municipal Pool

SEWARD, NE—Responding to complaints about an awful stench, local lifeguard Matt Frieze, 26, discovered what appeared to be the bloated body of a repulsive man-beast that had mysteriously washed up on the shore of the Dowding Municipal Pool Monday.

Onlookers were horrified at the sight of the massive, possibly amphibious monster

Frieze, who found the unidentified monstrosity sprawled out on the concrete at approximately 2:30 p.m., said he attempted to inspect the bizarre creature but was repelled by the sight of the putrid mass of flesh and hair.

"I've never seen anything like it before," said Frieze, adding that he first assumed it was just a pile of rotting sewage until he noticed its lower extremities were partially covered by what appeared to be a denim garment. "It looked like some kind of decomposing manatee with these horrible teeth and a face like…."

"Oh my God, I think I'm going to be sick," Frieze added.

While Frieze said he was surprised by how soft and squishy the behemoth was when he prodded it with a pool skimmer, he admitted that he was far more startled when the man-beast briefly stirred and produced a low, mournful gurgle. Immediately urging the crowd of curious onlookers to keep its distance, Frieze stood guard over the foul mistake of nature for some time, but the beast did not move again.

Although numerous observers claimed to have seen the gelatinous lump shift, emit an audible noise, and paw at a nearby can of soda, local resident Jake Millar, 39, remained convinced that the ungodly eye sore was either dead or dying.

"That noise is just gas being released from its rotting body," Millar said. "Did you see its slimy skin and chubby flipper arms? No way that thing can survive on land."

"They should call someone to come take care of the carcass," Millar added. "There's flies all over it."

After examining the prone man-beast, Millar said he was unable to find any discernable facial features he could use to identify it, since much of the "head" was obscured by a large pair of sunglasses.

A great deal of speculation continues to surround the strange, washed-up form. Kimberly Covington, a local mother of two, surmised that the creature might belong to a previously unknown species of prehistoric animal.

"We've probably never found anything like it before because the thing lives deep down in the ocean, where light never reaches," said Covington, adding that the creature seemed unaccustomed to the sun, as its pale skin was rapidly turning red. "I don't know why it crawled out here. Probably just to die."

Other eyewitnesses suggested a variety of theories about the nature of the grotesque colossus, including that it might be a deformed bear, an elephant fetus, a giant larvae, a genetic experiment gone terribly awry, an obese yeti, an enormous wad of wax, a piece of driftwood, or a decomposing basking shark carcass.

Biologists at the nearby University of Nebraska–Lincoln have scrutinized cell phone photos of the strange beast, but have made little progress in determining a biological classification for the organism.

"Unfortunately, this amorphous creature doesn't possess any distinguishable features other than several nonfunctioning appendages," marine biologist Dr. Gregory Tatum said. According to Tatum, it is unlikely the creature walked upright, as its bones would almost certainly splinter under such enormous girth. "It is quite probable that this mysterious, jelly-like animal has remained in this very position for most of its life."

Tatum said that he and his colleagues also considered the possibility that the man-beast might be a large aquatic mammal belonging to the order Cetacea, which would explain bystanders reports of the creature expelling short, labored breaths from an opening atop its body. However, he abandoned the theory because of the monstrosity's abundance of back hair.

"We do not understand the evolutionary advantage of having such a thick, coarse layer of fur covering the shoulders and extending up the neck," Tatum continued. "I doubt it has anything to do with mating rituals. This creature is obviously the only one of its kind and will never reproduce."