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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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High-Culture Wars Heat Up Over Controversial New Opera

NEW YORK—Proponents of family-themed high art fired another salvo in the high-culture wars Monday, saying the new opera Darwin: Origin, Selection, Preservation, Struggle contains provocative lyrics, secular acts, and entire anti-Christian movements. "To think that this relativist filth could be live at Lincoln Center for young children to see," said Rev. L. Duncan Hoskins III, an Upper-East-Side Baptist minister and director of the Center For A Better Class Of Family. "We cannot allow this creeping decay that began with the decadence of La Boheme and spiraled into the subversion that is An American Tragedy to further rot our high society." Hoskins added that there were many wholesome opera alternatives for traditional men and women of culture, including the Mississippi Opera's marathon 22-hour adaptation of the Left Behind series.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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