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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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High Fructose Corn Syrup Spill: Timeline Of A Tragedy

It has now been 48 hours since an explosion ripped through the massive GoldenMade corn syrup factory in Leon, Iowa and sent over a million gallons of high fructose corn syrup spilling into the surrounding environment. Below is an hour-by-hour timeline of the events:

HOUR 1: An industrial gas oven in the plant's food processing department explodes, ripping a 200-foot-wide hole in the exterior wall of the factory. Commercial-grade corn syrup begins to gush out of a damaged storage tank at a rate of 5,000 gallons per second.

HOUR 2: The bodies of Goldenmade security guards Kim Parker and David Kawalek are found more than a quarter mile away from the factory, their lungs filled with the sweet syrup that was a major ingredient in dozens of their favorite foods. Rescue workers speculate their guard station was hit in the initial blast of corn syrup and swept away in a 100-foot-tall tidal wave of goo.

HOUR 3: Emergency rescue crews attempt to use structural steel plates to repair the breach in the factory wall and staunch the flow of corn syrup still pouring from the factory but the plan is unsuccessful.

HOUR 4: The National Guard arrives. Local residents are ordered to evacuate but many choose to stay to try to protect their homes or in hopes of eating the delicious syrup.

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HOUR 5: The evacuation process is delayed when the National Guard discovers their helicopters are grounded, their skids stuck in the thick syrup.

HOUR 7: As last of the corn syrup trickles from the factory and night settles over Leon, officials estimate more than 20,000 acres of land is covered in standing corn syrup.

HOUR 16: Upon sunrise area wildlife, which have been eating the corn syrup in massive quantities, are suffering side effects of sugar consumption. Hyperactive raccoons are witnessed nervously pacing back and forth, small fish are darting around in sugar-laden ponds at three to four times their normal speed, and irritable deer are seen biting and poking each other seemingly just to annoy one another. Thousands of animals die of heart attacks.

HOUR 19: Animals are "crashing" after their extended sugar high. Glassy-eyed, drooling bears are witnessed sitting against trees staring off into space and lethargic squirrels are found passed out in the middle of road.

HOUR 30: Scientists test the Thompson River and find it has a 63% sugar content. Thomspon River bottled water instantly becomes the best selling bottled water in the region, with fans reporting it tastes much like Mountain Dew.

HOUR 35: Residents are allowed back into their homes but are urged not to clean their possessions by licking them. Few heed the warning and hospitals see a second wave of emergency room visits due to tongue lacerations and complications resulting from the consumption of inedible objects.

HOUR 39: A huge ant problem is reported across much of the Midwest.

HOUR 40: President Obama pledges a million dollars in disaster funding, stating, "The delicious syrup we Americans rely on for 70 percent of our caloric intake has today become our enemy."

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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