High Fructose Corn Syrup Spill: Timeline Of A Tragedy

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

High Fructose Corn Syrup Spill: Timeline Of A Tragedy

It has now been 48 hours since an explosion ripped through the massive GoldenMade corn syrup factory in Leon, Iowa and sent over a million gallons of high fructose corn syrup spilling into the surrounding environment. Below is an hour-by-hour timeline of the events:

HOUR 1: An industrial gas oven in the plant's food processing department explodes, ripping a 200-foot-wide hole in the exterior wall of the factory. Commercial-grade corn syrup begins to gush out of a damaged storage tank at a rate of 5,000 gallons per second.

HOUR 2: The bodies of Goldenmade security guards Kim Parker and David Kawalek are found more than a quarter mile away from the factory, their lungs filled with the sweet syrup that was a major ingredient in dozens of their favorite foods. Rescue workers speculate their guard station was hit in the initial blast of corn syrup and swept away in a 100-foot-tall tidal wave of goo.

HOUR 3: Emergency rescue crews attempt to use structural steel plates to repair the breach in the factory wall and staunch the flow of corn syrup still pouring from the factory but the plan is unsuccessful.

HOUR 4: The National Guard arrives. Local residents are ordered to evacuate but many choose to stay to try to protect their homes or in hopes of eating the delicious syrup.

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HOUR 5: The evacuation process is delayed when the National Guard discovers their helicopters are grounded, their skids stuck in the thick syrup.

HOUR 7: As last of the corn syrup trickles from the factory and night settles over Leon, officials estimate more than 20,000 acres of land is covered in standing corn syrup.

HOUR 16: Upon sunrise area wildlife, which have been eating the corn syrup in massive quantities, are suffering side effects of sugar consumption. Hyperactive raccoons are witnessed nervously pacing back and forth, small fish are darting around in sugar-laden ponds at three to four times their normal speed, and irritable deer are seen biting and poking each other seemingly just to annoy one another. Thousands of animals die of heart attacks.

HOUR 19: Animals are "crashing" after their extended sugar high. Glassy-eyed, drooling bears are witnessed sitting against trees staring off into space and lethargic squirrels are found passed out in the middle of road.

HOUR 30: Scientists test the Thompson River and find it has a 63% sugar content. Thomspon River bottled water instantly becomes the best selling bottled water in the region, with fans reporting it tastes much like Mountain Dew.

HOUR 35: Residents are allowed back into their homes but are urged not to clean their possessions by licking them. Few heed the warning and hospitals see a second wave of emergency room visits due to tongue lacerations and complications resulting from the consumption of inedible objects.

HOUR 39: A huge ant problem is reported across much of the Midwest.

HOUR 40: President Obama pledges a million dollars in disaster funding, stating, "The delicious syrup we Americans rely on for 70 percent of our caloric intake has today become our enemy."

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