adBlockCheck

High Fructose Corn Syrup Spill: Timeline Of A Tragedy

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Surprises

High Fructose Corn Syrup Spill: Timeline Of A Tragedy

It has now been 48 hours since an explosion ripped through the massive GoldenMade corn syrup factory in Leon, Iowa and sent over a million gallons of high fructose corn syrup spilling into the surrounding environment. Below is an hour-by-hour timeline of the events:

HOUR 1: An industrial gas oven in the plant's food processing department explodes, ripping a 200-foot-wide hole in the exterior wall of the factory. Commercial-grade corn syrup begins to gush out of a damaged storage tank at a rate of 5,000 gallons per second.

HOUR 2: The bodies of Goldenmade security guards Kim Parker and David Kawalek are found more than a quarter mile away from the factory, their lungs filled with the sweet syrup that was a major ingredient in dozens of their favorite foods. Rescue workers speculate their guard station was hit in the initial blast of corn syrup and swept away in a 100-foot-tall tidal wave of goo.

HOUR 3: Emergency rescue crews attempt to use structural steel plates to repair the breach in the factory wall and staunch the flow of corn syrup still pouring from the factory but the plan is unsuccessful.

HOUR 4: The National Guard arrives. Local residents are ordered to evacuate but many choose to stay to try to protect their homes or in hopes of eating the delicious syrup.

-->-->

HOUR 5: The evacuation process is delayed when the National Guard discovers their helicopters are grounded, their skids stuck in the thick syrup.

HOUR 7: As last of the corn syrup trickles from the factory and night settles over Leon, officials estimate more than 20,000 acres of land is covered in standing corn syrup.

HOUR 16: Upon sunrise area wildlife, which have been eating the corn syrup in massive quantities, are suffering side effects of sugar consumption. Hyperactive raccoons are witnessed nervously pacing back and forth, small fish are darting around in sugar-laden ponds at three to four times their normal speed, and irritable deer are seen biting and poking each other seemingly just to annoy one another. Thousands of animals die of heart attacks.

HOUR 19: Animals are "crashing" after their extended sugar high. Glassy-eyed, drooling bears are witnessed sitting against trees staring off into space and lethargic squirrels are found passed out in the middle of road.

HOUR 30: Scientists test the Thompson River and find it has a 63% sugar content. Thomspon River bottled water instantly becomes the best selling bottled water in the region, with fans reporting it tastes much like Mountain Dew.

HOUR 35: Residents are allowed back into their homes but are urged not to clean their possessions by licking them. Few heed the warning and hospitals see a second wave of emergency room visits due to tongue lacerations and complications resulting from the consumption of inedible objects.

HOUR 39: A huge ant problem is reported across much of the Midwest.

HOUR 40: President Obama pledges a million dollars in disaster funding, stating, "The delicious syrup we Americans rely on for 70 percent of our caloric intake has today become our enemy."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close