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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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High School Athlete On Crutches Walking Around Like Fallen Hero

HARRINGTON, DE—Proceeding slowly while limping down the hallway of Lake Forest High School on crutches, 16-year-old basketball player Jeremy Moore was reportedly walking around Friday like a fallen war hero. “I went up for a rebound and just felt a sharp pain,” said the junior shooting guard of the mild ankle sprain sustained in an away game, gripping his crutches tightly and bravely soldiering on as though he were the last surviving member of his battalion in the Korean War. “It’s been really tough coming back here like this, but I did what I had to do for my team. Those guys are like my family.” At press time, Moore was reportedly overcome with emotion when the basketball team dedicated their season to him.

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