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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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High School Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Difficult Teacher Ages Out Of Education System

CLEVELAND—Faculty and staff at Baxter High expressed a profound sense of relief Monday upon learning that the school’s most infamous troublemaker, 65-year-old geology teacher Sharon Fisher, had finally reached retirement age and exited the education system. “We’re not supposed to say this kind of thing, but she was truly awful,” said principal Dayna Carrier, who noted that in addition to her behavior problems, Fisher had performed poorly in every one of her classes since arriving at the school in 1983. “She never paid attention, had one of the worst attitudes I’ve ever encountered, and was a constant disruption in the classroom. Now, thankfully, she’ll be someone else’s problem.” Faculty members were reportedly disappointed to learn that Fisher’s replacement would be Ernest Hughes, 31, another reputed “problem teacher” who has been in and out of several schools already.

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