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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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High School Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Difficult Teacher Ages Out Of Education System

CLEVELAND—Faculty and staff at Baxter High expressed a profound sense of relief Monday upon learning that the school’s most infamous troublemaker, 65-year-old geology teacher Sharon Fisher, had finally reached retirement age and exited the education system. “We’re not supposed to say this kind of thing, but she was truly awful,” said principal Dayna Carrier, who noted that in addition to her behavior problems, Fisher had performed poorly in every one of her classes since arriving at the school in 1983. “She never paid attention, had one of the worst attitudes I’ve ever encountered, and was a constant disruption in the classroom. Now, thankfully, she’ll be someone else’s problem.” Faculty members were reportedly disappointed to learn that Fisher’s replacement would be Ernest Hughes, 31, another reputed “problem teacher” who has been in and out of several schools already.

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