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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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High School Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Difficult Teacher Ages Out Of Education System

CLEVELAND—Faculty and staff at Baxter High expressed a profound sense of relief Monday upon learning that the school’s most infamous troublemaker, 65-year-old geology teacher Sharon Fisher, had finally reached retirement age and exited the education system. “We’re not supposed to say this kind of thing, but she was truly awful,” said principal Dayna Carrier, who noted that in addition to her behavior problems, Fisher had performed poorly in every one of her classes since arriving at the school in 1983. “She never paid attention, had one of the worst attitudes I’ve ever encountered, and was a constant disruption in the classroom. Now, thankfully, she’ll be someone else’s problem.” Faculty members were reportedly disappointed to learn that Fisher’s replacement would be Ernest Hughes, 31, another reputed “problem teacher” who has been in and out of several schools already.

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