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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself

BYRON, IL—In a rare moment of candidness between verbally and physically abusing his peers, local bully Pete Pachego, 14, shared his concerns with reporters Wednesday that his victims might one day realize he was actually a retarded faggot himself. “I spend all day telling guys at school that they’re gaywads and queermos, so if they ever found out that I’m actually a stupid cockmuncher, I really don’t know what I’d do,” said Pachego, adding that he often found himself paralyzed with dread that someone would discover that he was simply projecting his own retardedness and love of dicklicking onto the smaller, more vulnerable kids in his class. “Deep down, I guess I realize I’m so mean and hurtful to others because I don’t know how else to deal with the fact that I’m the one who still shits my pants and that I’m easily the fruitiest little fudgepacker of them all. Imagine if everyone knew; it would be devastating.” Pachego then sighed and told reporters that he was certain at least some of his victims were beginning to suspect, rightly, that his dick looks like a Tic Tac.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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