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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself

BYRON, IL—In a rare moment of candidness between verbally and physically abusing his peers, local bully Pete Pachego, 14, shared his concerns with reporters Wednesday that his victims might one day realize he was actually a retarded faggot himself. “I spend all day telling guys at school that they’re gaywads and queermos, so if they ever found out that I’m actually a stupid cockmuncher, I really don’t know what I’d do,” said Pachego, adding that he often found himself paralyzed with dread that someone would discover that he was simply projecting his own retardedness and love of dicklicking onto the smaller, more vulnerable kids in his class. “Deep down, I guess I realize I’m so mean and hurtful to others because I don’t know how else to deal with the fact that I’m the one who still shits my pants and that I’m easily the fruitiest little fudgepacker of them all. Imagine if everyone knew; it would be devastating.” Pachego then sighed and told reporters that he was certain at least some of his victims were beginning to suspect, rightly, that his dick looks like a Tic Tac.

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