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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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High School Elects Gay 45-Year-Old Homecoming King For First Time In School History

CANTON, OH—In a momentous and historic event for McKinley High School last Friday, software engineer Kenneth Garza became the school’s first ever gay 45-year-old man elected homecoming king, sources confirmed. “Thank you, kids, this is wonderful,” said the middle-aged homosexual, addressing homecoming revelers from the royalty float beside his 17-year-old homecoming queen, McKinley High senior Jillian Buccolo. “Even when I made Homecoming Court I didn’t think this was possible, but you looked past my sexual preference and age and just accepted me for who I am. Anyway, the decorations look great, and you kids did just a fantastic job here. Go Bulldogs!” In addition to electing Garza to the prized position, several anonymous sources confirmed that the student body had unknowingly made history by electing the school’s 50th pregnant homecoming queen.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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