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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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High School Elects Gay 45-Year-Old Homecoming King For First Time In School History

CANTON, OH—In a momentous and historic event for McKinley High School last Friday, software engineer Kenneth Garza became the school’s first ever gay 45-year-old man elected homecoming king, sources confirmed. “Thank you, kids, this is wonderful,” said the middle-aged homosexual, addressing homecoming revelers from the royalty float beside his 17-year-old homecoming queen, McKinley High senior Jillian Buccolo. “Even when I made Homecoming Court I didn’t think this was possible, but you looked past my sexual preference and age and just accepted me for who I am. Anyway, the decorations look great, and you kids did just a fantastic job here. Go Bulldogs!” In addition to electing Garza to the prized position, several anonymous sources confirmed that the student body had unknowingly made history by electing the school’s 50th pregnant homecoming queen.

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