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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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High School Elects Gay 45-Year-Old Homecoming King For First Time In School History

CANTON, OH—In a momentous and historic event for McKinley High School last Friday, software engineer Kenneth Garza became the school’s first ever gay 45-year-old man elected homecoming king, sources confirmed. “Thank you, kids, this is wonderful,” said the middle-aged homosexual, addressing homecoming revelers from the royalty float beside his 17-year-old homecoming queen, McKinley High senior Jillian Buccolo. “Even when I made Homecoming Court I didn’t think this was possible, but you looked past my sexual preference and age and just accepted me for who I am. Anyway, the decorations look great, and you kids did just a fantastic job here. Go Bulldogs!” In addition to electing Garza to the prized position, several anonymous sources confirmed that the student body had unknowingly made history by electing the school’s 50th pregnant homecoming queen.

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