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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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High School Equipment Manager To Skip College, Manage Equipment At Professional Level

WEST MONROE, LA—Doug Laney, the 5-foot-9-inch senior out of West Monroe High School who has garnered much hype and interest from professional teams throughout the season, announced Sunday that he will become the sixth equipment manager in history to forego college and become an equipment manager in the NBA. "It's a big step, and I know a lot of people are going to say that I'm too young and I'm not ready, but that just means I'll have to work extra hard and make sure all the balls have enough air every night," said Laney, who became the youngest-ever equipment manager to be featured on the cover of Equipment Manager Illustrated magazine in July 2009. "I'm excited. Guys like Paul Ackerston and P.J. Schultz have paved the way for high school equipment managers by making instant impacts on the way professional teams' equipment is managed." Laney is currently serving a three-game suspension for accepting vintage water bottles from a local sporting goods store that were valued at $23.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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