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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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High School Football Coach Encourages Player To Shake Off Cognitive Impairment

DECATUR, IL—Telling the 17-year-old to “play through” the brain injury he sustained from a vicious hit during a game against Danville, West High football coach Doug Husted reportedly encouraged tailback Marcus Fisher Thursday night to shake off his cognitive impairment and get back out there. “Show a little backbone now, son!” said Husted, who instructed Fisher to catch his breath, drink some water, and shrug off the bruises on his cerebrum. “A true champion doesn’t let a little blood on his brain slow him down. So suck it up—I need you back out there in three plays.” Sources confirmed Husted then forcefully hit the concussed 17-year-old on the back of his helmet and told him he had a game to win.

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