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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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High School Freshman Thinks ‘Romeo And Juliet’ Might Just Be Her Favorite Play

EL PASO, TX—Praising its characters, story, and ending, Maya Brown, a freshman at DeSoto High School, decided this Monday that William Shakespeare’s classic Romeo And Juliet might just be her favorite play. “I love how romantic it is, and especially how well the dialogue is written,” said the 15-year-old, whose knowledge of theater and the dramatic arts reportedly dates back to the fall of 2012. “Shakespeare is just such an amazing playwright. He’s probably one of the best in history.” Brown added that if she were ever in a production of Romeo And Juliet, she would want to play Juliet.

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