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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble. “I’ve been at this for a while now, so when a freshman or sophomore walks in during first period with that look on her face, I have a pretty good idea what’s going on,” said Bromti, noting that most of the time, she’s already pulled a teen pregnancy pamphlet out of her desk drawer before the student has even started listing her symptoms. “You see enough queasy ones and eventually you can just pick out which aren’t the flu or food poisoning. If a girl comes in here a month or two after the annual ski trip, that’s what it is nine times out of 10.” At press time, Bromti had cut her time with reporters short because a pale-looking 15-year-old cheerleader was approaching her desk.

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