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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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High School Principal Can Already Tell Students Are Going To Eat This One Alive

LINCOLN, NE—Slowly shaking his head as he watched the wide-eyed young educator arrive early for her first day of work, Southwest Senior High principal Jeff Harker remarked to reporters he could already tell that the school’s 10th-grade class would eat new history teacher Rebecca Bray alive. “The second I saw how excited she was to have her own classroom, I just knew that she was immediately going to be ripped into and gutted by those snarling little monsters,” Harker said of the enthusiastic 25-year-old woman currently making handwritten name tags for the rabid beasts who will “tear her apart and leave her for dead” within a week. “Watching her decorate the classroom walls and write her name on the blackboard just breaks your heart. Those nasty animals are going to sniff out her vulnerabilities during her very first class and then cruelly feast on her until there’s nothing left but a quivering, eviscerated husk. Hate to say it, but there’s no way she doesn’t end up sobbing in my office by the end of the day.” At press time, Harker averted his eyes and briskly walked away as the smiling, doe-eyed teacher waltzed into the lions’ den and announced that her students could simply call her Rebecca.

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