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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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High School Principal Can Already Tell Students Are Going To Eat This One Alive

LINCOLN, NE—Slowly shaking his head as he watched the wide-eyed young educator arrive early for her first day of work, Southwest Senior High principal Jeff Harker remarked to reporters he could already tell that the school’s 10th-grade class would eat new history teacher Rebecca Bray alive. “The second I saw how excited she was to have her own classroom, I just knew that she was immediately going to be ripped into and gutted by those snarling little monsters,” Harker said of the enthusiastic 25-year-old woman currently making handwritten name tags for the rabid beasts who will “tear her apart and leave her for dead” within a week. “Watching her decorate the classroom walls and write her name on the blackboard just breaks your heart. Those nasty animals are going to sniff out her vulnerabilities during her very first class and then cruelly feast on her until there’s nothing left but a quivering, eviscerated husk. Hate to say it, but there’s no way she doesn’t end up sobbing in my office by the end of the day.” At press time, Harker averted his eyes and briskly walked away as the smiling, doe-eyed teacher waltzed into the lions’ den and announced that her students could simply call her Rebecca.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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