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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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High School Principal Can Already Tell Students Are Going To Eat This One Alive

LINCOLN, NE—Slowly shaking his head as he watched the wide-eyed young educator arrive early for her first day of work, Southwest Senior High principal Jeff Harker remarked to reporters he could already tell that the school’s 10th-grade class would eat new history teacher Rebecca Bray alive. “The second I saw how excited she was to have her own classroom, I just knew that she was immediately going to be ripped into and gutted by those snarling little monsters,” Harker said of the enthusiastic 25-year-old woman currently making handwritten name tags for the rabid beasts who will “tear her apart and leave her for dead” within a week. “Watching her decorate the classroom walls and write her name on the blackboard just breaks your heart. Those nasty animals are going to sniff out her vulnerabilities during her very first class and then cruelly feast on her until there’s nothing left but a quivering, eviscerated husk. Hate to say it, but there’s no way she doesn’t end up sobbing in my office by the end of the day.” At press time, Harker averted his eyes and briskly walked away as the smiling, doe-eyed teacher waltzed into the lions’ den and announced that her students could simply call her Rebecca.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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