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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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High School Production Of Our Town Features Line Memorization

MORGANTOWN, WV—Surprised audience members reported Sunday that Morgantown High School's production of Thornton Wilder's Pulitzer Prize–winning play Our Town features line memorization, a marked change from last year's staging of Guys And Dolls.

"Don't know when I've seen such a lovely wedding. But I always cry. Don't know why it is, but I always cry," said sophomore Kendra Quinn, accurately reciting a line of dialogue from the role of Mrs. Soames, even though she was not reading the words from a script while on stage. "I just like to see young people happy, don't you? Oh, I think it's lovely."

Drama teacher and Our Town director Max Shumar said he has ambitions to add scenery, blocking, and vocal inflection to future MHS theater productions, but for now, he just wants to "enjoy the moment."

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