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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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High School Production Of Our Town Features Line Memorization

MORGANTOWN, WV—Surprised audience members reported Sunday that Morgantown High School's production of Thornton Wilder's Pulitzer Prize–winning play Our Town features line memorization, a marked change from last year's staging of Guys And Dolls.

"Don't know when I've seen such a lovely wedding. But I always cry. Don't know why it is, but I always cry," said sophomore Kendra Quinn, accurately reciting a line of dialogue from the role of Mrs. Soames, even though she was not reading the words from a script while on stage. "I just like to see young people happy, don't you? Oh, I think it's lovely."

Drama teacher and Our Town director Max Shumar said he has ambitions to add scenery, blocking, and vocal inflection to future MHS theater productions, but for now, he just wants to "enjoy the moment."

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