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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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High School Quarterback Starting To Suspect Friendship With Nick Saban Founded On Ulterior Motives

LUFKIN, TX—Despite enjoying the constant attention and lengthy chats on the phone every night, 16-year-old quarterback prospect Colby Spear told reporters Thursday that he is beginning to suspect his friendship with University of Alabama head coach Nick Saban was founded on ulterior motives. “Coach Saban introduced himself to me right after I started breaking the passing records at my school, and it did seem kind of weird, but I just assumed he wanted to make friends with someone who loved football as much as he does,” said Spear, adding that Saban, like all the other adults he knows, mostly just marvels at how fast he’s growing and asks boring questions about his plans for college. “Still, I can’t shake the feeling that he wants something from me. Maybe it’s the way he’s always complimenting my intangibles, suggesting I’d be great in a pro-style offense, or telling me I’d look really sharp in crimson and white.” Spear, who did not want to rush to judgment, reportedly plans to run his theory past some of his other friends, specifically Louisiana State University football coach Les Miles when the pair meet for lunch next week.

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