High-School Senior Amazed By Coolness Of University Of Wisconsin-Whitewater

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Vol 36 Issue 20

Woman Apologizes For What Appears To Be Clean House

PAWTUCKET, RI–For no apparent reason, Pawtucket resident Estelle Scheide, 53, apologized to houseguests Tuesday for the "terribly messy" condition of her spotless house. "I'm so sorry about this," Scheide told a group of visiting relatives. "It's not normally this bad, I swear." "What was she talking about?" son-in-law Bruce Unger asked. "I didn't see a mess anywhere. Did she mean the vacuum cleaner that was out? Or maybe that bag of to-be-recycled newspapers by the back door. Weird."

Toys 'R' Us Sign Triggers Pavlovian Shrieking Response In Child

FREDERICK, MD–A Pavlovian response mechanism was triggered in Jamie Bolz Monday, when the 5-year-old reflexively shrieked at the top of his lungs upon seeing a large, colorful Toys 'R' Us sign during a family car trip. "Ahhhhhhhh! Toys 'R' Us! Toys 'R' Us!" Bolz involuntarily shouted despite countless lectures from his mother about proper car-trip conduct. Behavioral psychologists have likened Bolz's response to the well-documented Burger King-salivation reflex.

Conversation With Boss Puts Man An Hour Behind

CHICAGO–A conversation with his boss set Latham, Towson & Green marketing executive Alex Henkel back an hour Monday. "Jesus, I'm gonna be here until midnight," Henkel, 31, said after the time-consuming chat. "I've got tons of work to do today, and the last thing I needed was to have some bullshit pow-wow with [supervisor] Bill [Svoboda]." Svoboda called for the unproductive, 60-minute meeting to "go over some general strategies and just make sure we're on the same page about things."

MIT Physicists Split The Smithereen

CAMBRIDGE, MA–A team of MIT physicists announced Monday that they have successfully split the smithereen, heretofore considered the smallest possible unit of matter. "For decades, conventional scientific wisdom held that the most to which you could blow something was smithereens," Dr. Jonathan Eng said. "It now appears that it is possible, under certain special laboratory conditions, to blow something to sub-smithereens." Eng said he believes the discovery will revolutionize humanity's potential for harnessing smithereenetic energy.

Area Man Coughs To Let Others Know He's In Bathroom

ATLANTA–Seeking to break the tension and inform others that he was in the bathroom, Barnes & Noble men's-room- stall occupant Larry Ardell coughed Monday. "I was alone in the bathroom, taking a dump, when I could hear one or two other guys walk in," Ardell recalled. "I wasn't sure they knew I was there, and I started getting a little uptight about it, so I decided to cough." Ardell said he had considered rattling the toilet-paper dispenser as a means of announcing his presence, but decided against it out of concern that it would call attention to his wiping.

Clinton Goes On Fun Plane Ride

LISBON, PORTUGAL–President Clinton deplaned from Air Force One excited and thrilled Monday following a fun plane ride from Washington to Lisbon for an eight-day, three-nation European trip. "I went on the airplane," Clinton shouted to Portuguese president Jorge Sampaio. "We went way, way up high, and I saw lots of clouds." Clinton, who has refused to remove the golden-wings pin given to him by Air Force One pilot Edwin Jacobs, capped his remarks with several seconds of airplane noises.

Federal Security Breaches

Last week, it was reported that federal investigators carrying fake law-enforcement credentials were able to penetrate security at 21 government buildings, including the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. What do you think about these alarming security breaches?

Praise The Lord... And Pass The Chocolate!

Hey, Jeanketeers, remember in my last column, how I said I was going to tell hubby Rick about my decision to retire from the workaday world and become a full-time housewife? Well, if you were anywhere in the vicinity of 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive on the evening of May 3, I sure hope you had a good pair of earplugs!
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High-School Senior Amazed By Coolness Of University Of Wisconsin-Whitewater

MENOMONEE FALLS, WI–Chris Knopecke, a senior at Menomonee Falls High School, declared the University of Wisconsin at Whitewater "awesome" Monday, describing his weekend visit to the school as "so unbelievably cool."

Menomonee Falls High School senior Chris Knopecke shows off the University of Wisconsin–Whitewater T-shirt he bought during a weekend visit to the school.

"UW–Whitewater is the most amazing place," said Knopecke, who has decided to attend the school in the fall. "Right in the middle of campus, there's this big lawn where tons of people were just hanging out together. And there was this guy on the sidewalk selling sunglasses and those Mexican-poncho things. I cannot wait to get out of stupid Menomonee Falls."

Living less than 40 miles from Whitewater, Knopecke had long heard rumors about parties involving alcohol and even marijuana at the school, but he was hardly prepared for the vast cultural spectrum he would encounter during his visit.

"There was someone from Minnesota on my campus tour with me, and there was a black guy, too," Knopecke said. "Then, at one point, this guy with blue hair walked by, and no one was even giving him a second look. I am so looking forward to being at a school where everyone isn't exactly the same."

According to Knopecke, UW–Whitewater features a building called the University Center–"U.C." for those in the know–where students can buy books, join campus organizations, and enjoy live music.

"Every Wednesday, they have an open-mic night down in the U.C. basement, just like on MTV Unplugged," Knopecke said. "The basement's the coolest: It's like a bar, with pool tables and dartboards, only you don't have to be 21 to get in. That's definitely gonna be one of my main hangouts come September."

Knopecke has also made up his mind regarding housing.

"I'm totally going to live in Bigelow Hall," Knopecke said. "They let the students paint the hallways, so everywhere you look, there are these huge murals of all sorts of cool stuff, like Pink Floyd album covers and that Cuban guy with the beret. There's also a computer center that's open 24 hours a day. On top of that, there's a study lounge on each floor where you can go if you need to cram for a test and don't want to be distracted by your roommate or whatever."

As impressed as he was with the school, Knopecke was equally wowed by the city of Whitewater itself.

"You should see University Avenue," Knopecke said. "There's about three different record stores, including this unbelievable one called CD Wherehouse. It's got everything: I looked under R.E.M., and they had almost every album by them. They even had an entire section of rap music. Just as amazing, though, is this other store, The CD X-change, where you can buy used CDs for, like, half the price of new ones. I'm gonna be there all the time."

In addition to record stores, Knopecke reported that Whitewater boasts a video arcade, two bookstores, a pizzeria that delivers until 1 a.m., an army-navy surplus store that sells "real" cargo pants, and a card-and-novelty shop with a glass case in the back containing drug paraphernalia.

Knopecke said he plans to broaden his horizons beyond mere "book learning" at Whitewater by delving into the town's cultural offerings.

"All over campus, there are kiosks covered with posters for plays and concerts and all these really weird-looking movies," said Knopecke, reaching into his backpack and producing a tattered Xeroxed flyer for a UWW Film Club showing of Brazil. "And right in front of the student union, there was even a bunch of girls setting up a booth to protest some library user fee. Isn't that awesome?"

"I'm going to have so much more in common with the women at UW-Whitewater," Knopecke added. "Girls in my high school don't even know who Bob Dylan is."

Knopecke admitted that he sometimes feels like an outcast in his graduating class of 75.

"Around here, when I tell someone that I read On The Road just because I wanted to, not because it was assigned for some class, they look at me like I'm crazy," Knopecke said. "It's gonna be so great to be someplace where people are intellectually on my level."

Stuart Wilmot, Knopecke's high-school guidance counselor, applauded his decision.

"For a lot of kids around here, the only goal is to graduate from high school and get a good-paying job at the Oscar Mayer plant so that they can buy a new truck," Wilmot said. "That's not the case with Chris. He'll leave town for four years and get a psychology degree at Whitewater before coming back and working at the Oscar Mayer plant."

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