adBlockCheck

High-School Senior Marvels At What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been

Top Headlines

Recent News

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

High-School Senior Marvels At What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been

FREDERICK, MD–Brian "Bri" Moeller, 17, poised to graduate from Frederick West High School next month, reflected on what a long, strange trip it's been Monday while signing his fellow seniors' yearbooks.

Brian Moeller stands outside Frederick West High School, where "so much crazy stuff went down, I can't even begin to explain."

"Looking back, I can't believe how naïve I was when I first arrived here as a freshman, so many untold epochs ago, with no real understanding of what the world was like," said Moeller, pausing to take a long, contemplative sip from his Capri Sun juice pack. "Man, my eyes have been opened since then, let me tell you."

Attempting to capture the essence of his journey from freshman-year innocence to senior-year wisdom and worldliness, Moeller signed his friends' yearbooks with the phrase, "What a long strange trip it's been," a line from the song "Truckin'" by The Grateful Dead–a band he was not even aware of four years ago, but whose greatest-hits album he now owns.

"As a younger man, I'd heard those words but never truly understood them," Moeller said. "Now, after all I've seen and done, they resonate deeply within me."

Drawing a "Steal Your Face" logo on the signature page of classmate Aaron Aberg's yearbook, Moeller added: "Those innocent years of the Z-108 'Friday Top Five At Five' countdown–back in, what, '97? '98?–they're so far behind me now."

Gathered with friends on a bench near the spot where the bus driver used to pick them up after school, back in the days before they had driver's licenses, Moeller and his friends reflected on how far they'd come.

"The cafeteria–can you believe we actually used to eat lunch there?" said Michelle Benson, 17. "God, I feel so bad for all the little freshmen and sophomores too young to drive to Stella's [Pizza]."

"Remember how everybody thought Janelle was going to be B.F.F. [Best Friends Forever] with Andrea, but she ended up being B.F.F. with Stephanie instead?" Renee Marks chimed in. "We were so young back then... so foolish and young."

Messages from friends in senior's high-school yearbook.

His face growing pensive, Moeller mused on some of the many experiences he and his friends shared during their years at West, including that time they endured two whole hours with no electricity when the school's power went out; the time the school janitor lost his temper and yelled, exposing them to the harsh realities of working-class existence; and the time they confronted, head-on, the disturbing truths of modern urban life during a class trip to Chicago to see a touring production of Rent.

"I'll never forget my long talks with Gina, the foreign-exchange student, junior year," said Brett Kogan, Moeller's best friend. "I learned so much from her. Up until then, I'd never realized there were no Hardee's in Italy."

"Of course, we're older and wiser now," said Moeller, wistfully touching the Dave Matthews Band patch he placed on his bookbag last year. "After that crazy weekend at Matt's dad's cabin last fall, I doubt anything could faze me."

Though the years offered more than their share of good times, Moeller noted that it was not always wine and roses. There was the time he left his term paper in the breakfast nook and had to call his mother to have her drop it off at school, mere hours before it was due. There were those long student-council meetings that were "a living hell." And there was the hard-earned lesson gained from the time he went to Jeff Rossum's party instead of studying for the following day's algebra midterm and wound up flunking the test.

"At the time, that really seemed like the end of the world," Moeller told Julie Duchamp, with whom he bonded during Mr. Kannenberg's second-period algebra class, becoming "so unbelievably close" in the process. "But now, after coming through the other side, I know that whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger."

Moeller said he cannot believe how much happened during his long and storied time at West.

"After graduating from eighth grade, I was thinking, 'Okay, I'm in high school now,'" Moeller said. "I thought I knew everything there was to know. But I was wrong, so wrong. Over the last eight semesters, I've seen it all: Kristin and Justin's soul-shattering breakup, the tragic futility of drunk driving portrayed at that one school assembly with the gruesome slide show, the true bonds that form among brothers in arms as they face unthinkable odds at State Debate."

"Four years ago, I was but a boy. But now, I am a man," Moeller said. "It's a sad and beautiful world." He then went home to eat Fruit Roll-Ups in the den while watching MTV.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close