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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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High School Student Council Passes Nonbinding Resolution

BARSTOW, CA—In a move intended to send an "unmistakably clear message" to Barstow County High School Principal Robert McCluskey, the school's student council approved by a vote of 22-3 during seventh period Monday a nonbinding resolution criticizing the principal's recent decision to install three extra hall monitors.

"Principal McCluskey has squandered our trust, and is in no position to decide the fate of the hundreds of young people in this school," said Council President T.J. Stafford, who called the symbolic measure "historic." "For the good of future senior classes, we must go on the record as being against this."

McCluskey accused the council of criticizing official school policy without offering any viable alternatives.

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