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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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High School Student Taking Rejection From First-Choice College In Stride As If Future Not Over

Grant reportedly shrugged off the rejection as if it hadn’t singlehandedly reversed his family’s steady ascent up the socioeconomic ladder and condemned his bloodline to a future in the underclass.
Grant reportedly shrugged off the rejection as if it hadn’t singlehandedly reversed his family’s steady ascent up the socioeconomic ladder and condemned his bloodline to a future in the underclass.

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Apparently oblivious to the dire implications of the news he had just received, North Hagerstown High School senior Kevin Grant took his rejection from his first-choice college in stride as if his entire future were not over, sources confirmed Thursday.

According to reports, the 18-year-old, who graduates in six weeks and no longer has any hope of leading a happy, fulfilling life, remains relaxed and even upbeat despite his failure to gain admittance to Tufts University, the school that represented his only chance of achieving success of any kind in life.

“It sucks, but the good news is I did get accepted to Rutgers and Maryland, which are both really solid schools,” said Grant, somehow managing a smile even though his inability to attend his top-choice university has obliterated any possibility he will ever get into a good graduate school, embark on a satisfying career, or make enough money to support himself, let alone a family. “Tufts was probably a long shot, anyway, but I’m still glad I applied.”

“I’m sure I’ll be happy wherever I end up,” added the student destined for a life of limited opportunities, unending frustration, and bitterness.

Though every time he is turned down for a job in the coming decades he will inevitably stop a moment to wonder if things would have gone differently had he earned a degree from his preferred college, Grant reportedly hasn’t let it get him down.

“College is what you make of it, and who knows? Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.”

In fact, friends and family told reporters that the young man, who will soon be relegated to a lower social class—which will severely limit who he interacts with for the rest of his life and restrict the pool of romantic prospects with whom he can start a family—has maintained a positive attitude since opening the letter from the admissions office. According to accounts, Grant has continued to go about his day as normal, seemingly unaware that he has no choice but to keep working his current retail job at the Valley Mall for the rest of his days, with no expectation of ever getting a promotion or earning more than $11 per hour.

“Sure, I’m disappointed, but it’s not the end of the world,” Grant said of the crushing blow to every single one of his long-cherished personal aspirations, including owning a home and traveling outside of his greater hometown area. “After all, Tufts is a really expensive school, and it might not have been the best fit.”

“In any case, I’m going to be fine—it’s no big deal,” he erroneously added.

Completely ignoring the fact that his educational disadvantage and lack of professional contacts will mean he’ll always be plagued by a low bank balance, struggle to pay bills throughout his life, and never be able to save enough to retire, Grant has been overheard voicing delusions about how there are plenty of schools out there that can provide him with just as many opportunities as his first-choice school would have.

“In a way, I might actually be better off going to another school,” he said in a statement that presumes he will become a functioning member of society and not a sad wreck of a human being forced to spend the next 70 years sitting on the sidelines as his old friends pursue dreams he long ago abandoned for himself. “College is what you make of it, and who knows? Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.”

Reached for comment, Grant’s parents said they are proud of their son no matter what, as if they haven’t made tremendous sacrifices to provide him with the opportunity he has just blown, destroying everything his family has worked for generations to achieve.

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