adBlockCheck

High School Student Taking Rejection From First-Choice College In Stride As If Future Not Over

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

High School Student Taking Rejection From First-Choice College In Stride As If Future Not Over

Grant reportedly shrugged off the rejection as if it hadn’t singlehandedly reversed his family’s steady ascent up the socioeconomic ladder and condemned his bloodline to a future in the underclass.
Grant reportedly shrugged off the rejection as if it hadn’t singlehandedly reversed his family’s steady ascent up the socioeconomic ladder and condemned his bloodline to a future in the underclass.

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Apparently oblivious to the dire implications of the news he had just received, North Hagerstown High School senior Kevin Grant took his rejection from his first-choice college in stride as if his entire future were not over, sources confirmed Thursday.

According to reports, the 18-year-old, who graduates in six weeks and no longer has any hope of leading a happy, fulfilling life, remains relaxed and even upbeat despite his failure to gain admittance to Tufts University, the school that represented his only chance of achieving success of any kind in life.

“It sucks, but the good news is I did get accepted to Rutgers and Maryland, which are both really solid schools,” said Grant, somehow managing a smile even though his inability to attend his top-choice university has obliterated any possibility he will ever get into a good graduate school, embark on a satisfying career, or make enough money to support himself, let alone a family. “Tufts was probably a long shot, anyway, but I’m still glad I applied.”

“I’m sure I’ll be happy wherever I end up,” added the student destined for a life of limited opportunities, unending frustration, and bitterness.

Though every time he is turned down for a job in the coming decades he will inevitably stop a moment to wonder if things would have gone differently had he earned a degree from his preferred college, Grant reportedly hasn’t let it get him down.

“College is what you make of it, and who knows? Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.”

In fact, friends and family told reporters that the young man, who will soon be relegated to a lower social class—which will severely limit who he interacts with for the rest of his life and restrict the pool of romantic prospects with whom he can start a family—has maintained a positive attitude since opening the letter from the admissions office. According to accounts, Grant has continued to go about his day as normal, seemingly unaware that he has no choice but to keep working his current retail job at the Valley Mall for the rest of his days, with no expectation of ever getting a promotion or earning more than $11 per hour.

“Sure, I’m disappointed, but it’s not the end of the world,” Grant said of the crushing blow to every single one of his long-cherished personal aspirations, including owning a home and traveling outside of his greater hometown area. “After all, Tufts is a really expensive school, and it might not have been the best fit.”

“In any case, I’m going to be fine—it’s no big deal,” he erroneously added.

Completely ignoring the fact that his educational disadvantage and lack of professional contacts will mean he’ll always be plagued by a low bank balance, struggle to pay bills throughout his life, and never be able to save enough to retire, Grant has been overheard voicing delusions about how there are plenty of schools out there that can provide him with just as many opportunities as his first-choice school would have.

“In a way, I might actually be better off going to another school,” he said in a statement that presumes he will become a functioning member of society and not a sad wreck of a human being forced to spend the next 70 years sitting on the sidelines as his old friends pursue dreams he long ago abandoned for himself. “College is what you make of it, and who knows? Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.”

Reached for comment, Grant’s parents said they are proud of their son no matter what, as if they haven’t made tremendous sacrifices to provide him with the opportunity he has just blown, destroying everything his family has worked for generations to achieve.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close