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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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High School Student Whines His Way To 4.0 GPA

JAMESTOWN, VA—Jamestown High School senior and National Merit Scholar Jason Wagner successfully whined his way to a 4.0 GPA for the fourth year in a row, school sources reported Monday.

"Rarely have I had a student this eager to argue that he deserved an A instead of an A minus because of an unfair test question, or complain that the grading curve 'cheapens' his high scores, or shed actual tears over missing an extra-credit question on a test that he already got 100 percent on," said instructor Scott Flynn, who teaches Wagner's Advanced Placement chemistry class. "This just goes to show that if you whine longer and harder than the rest of your classmates, you can achieve your goals."

Following a lengthy two-hour conversation with Wagner, Principal Ron Schroyer named him Class of 2007 valedictorian.

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