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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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High School Student Whines His Way To 4.0 GPA

JAMESTOWN, VA—Jamestown High School senior and National Merit Scholar Jason Wagner successfully whined his way to a 4.0 GPA for the fourth year in a row, school sources reported Monday.

"Rarely have I had a student this eager to argue that he deserved an A instead of an A minus because of an unfair test question, or complain that the grading curve 'cheapens' his high scores, or shed actual tears over missing an extra-credit question on a test that he already got 100 percent on," said instructor Scott Flynn, who teaches Wagner's Advanced Placement chemistry class. "This just goes to show that if you whine longer and harder than the rest of your classmates, you can achieve your goals."

Following a lengthy two-hour conversation with Wagner, Principal Ron Schroyer named him Class of 2007 valedictorian.

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