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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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High School Student Whines His Way To 4.0 GPA

JAMESTOWN, VA—Jamestown High School senior and National Merit Scholar Jason Wagner successfully whined his way to a 4.0 GPA for the fourth year in a row, school sources reported Monday.

"Rarely have I had a student this eager to argue that he deserved an A instead of an A minus because of an unfair test question, or complain that the grading curve 'cheapens' his high scores, or shed actual tears over missing an extra-credit question on a test that he already got 100 percent on," said instructor Scott Flynn, who teaches Wagner's Advanced Placement chemistry class. "This just goes to show that if you whine longer and harder than the rest of your classmates, you can achieve your goals."

Following a lengthy two-hour conversation with Wagner, Principal Ron Schroyer named him Class of 2007 valedictorian.

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