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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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High School Students Line Up For School Oil Portrait Day

BLUE SPRINGS, MO—Holding onto their order forms and making last-minute adjustments to their outfits and hair, students at Blue Springs Senior High lined up by homeroom in the school gymnasium Monday to pose for their annual school oil portraits, sources reported. “It’s great to get out of class for a bit on oil portrait day, though it is kind of annoying to have to sit exactly how they tell you on that little stool and hold still and smile for five hours while they paint your image on a stretched canvas,” said 10th grader Austin Burkhart, who confirmed that his mother had ordered the portrait vendor’s deluxe package, which includes a dozen wallet-sized oil paintings and two 8-by-10-inch portraits suitable for gilded framing, as well as Burkhart’s choice of a mottled blue or smoky gray backdrop. “I hope it comes out okay. Last year I accidentally blinked and it completely ruined my oil painting.” Sources noted that any student who was absent on school oil portrait day would be represented by a post-Impressionist still life of a bowl of fruit in the high school’s yearbook.

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