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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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High School Suspends Hunky Student For Wearing Shirt

MURFREESBORO, TN—Saying it was potentially disruptive to an educational environment in which all were entitled to see his rock-hard abs, administrators at Merritt High School suspended hunky senior Ryan Magnuson Wednesday for wearing a shirt. “When a teacher noticed that the shirt was obscuring the view of his shoulders, pecs, and the rest of his muscular torso, the student in question was sent to the office and ordered to remove the inappropriate garment,” said assistant principal Janet Norcross, citing the school’s zero-tolerance policy for students who’ve got the goods but refuse to flaunt them. “The student handbook makes perfectly clear what we expect of our beefcakes, and we expect them to comply.” Norcross added that Magnuson was initially given the option of turning his shirt inside out, as long as he did it nice and slow.

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