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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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High School Suspends Hunky Student For Wearing Shirt

MURFREESBORO, TN—Saying it was potentially disruptive to an educational environment in which all were entitled to see his rock-hard abs, administrators at Merritt High School suspended hunky senior Ryan Magnuson Wednesday for wearing a shirt. “When a teacher noticed that the shirt was obscuring the view of his shoulders, pecs, and the rest of his muscular torso, the student in question was sent to the office and ordered to remove the inappropriate garment,” said assistant principal Janet Norcross, citing the school’s zero-tolerance policy for students who’ve got the goods but refuse to flaunt them. “The student handbook makes perfectly clear what we expect of our beefcakes, and we expect them to comply.” Norcross added that Magnuson was initially given the option of turning his shirt inside out, as long as he did it nice and slow.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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