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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example

GRAND FORKS, ND—Arnold Danielson, a chemistry teacher at Warren G. Harding High School, has for the past eight years used custodian Howard Sievert as a living warning to underachieving or misbehaving students. "When my grades started to slip, Mr. Danielson took me aside and said, 'Well, you can buckle down and study harder... or you can end up like old Howie,'" sophomore Dave Netzel said. "Boy, I got the hint big-time." Netzel said Danielson is also fond of asking tardy students to name their favorite car and then informing them that such a car is unaffordable on a janitor's salary.

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