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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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High-School Teacher Reluctantly Breaks Up Fight

IRVINE, CA–With great trepidation, Irvine West High School teacher Ted Broussard broke up a hallway fistfight Monday between students Rick Anders and Jeff Streed. "That would have been a great fight," Broussard said. "I would have loved to see those two go at it. Too bad I was required to put a stop to it." Broussard noted that despite his smaller size, Anders "probably could've taken [Streed]."

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