Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media

LOVELAND, CO—In an assignment meant to simulate the responsibilities of parenthood, pairs of juniors at Larimer County High School were each given an egg Monday and instructed to post nonstop photos of it to social media, sources reported. “For one week, students will be asked to deluge their various accounts with as many egg photos as possible, incorporating both candid and staged shots as well as emoji-filled captions about how happy the egg makes them,” said health teacher Beth Riddle, adding that top grades would be awarded to pairs who posted at least once per hour and made ample use of hashtags like #ParentLife and #NumberOneEggDad. “The goal is to instill in these kids the idea that being a parent is no walk in the park—you can’t just take one picture and repost it to different accounts. I expect to see the egg in a variety of fun outfits, the egg playing with other eggs, and the egg sitting next to pastel-colored blocks indicating how many days old it is. There are no shortcuts in parenting and none in this assignment.” Riddle added that students could earn extra credit if their egg became a viral hit and booked an appearance on Ellen.

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