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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media

LOVELAND, CO—In an assignment meant to simulate the responsibilities of parenthood, pairs of juniors at Larimer County High School were each given an egg Monday and instructed to post nonstop photos of it to social media, sources reported. “For one week, students will be asked to deluge their various accounts with as many egg photos as possible, incorporating both candid and staged shots as well as emoji-filled captions about how happy the egg makes them,” said health teacher Beth Riddle, adding that top grades would be awarded to pairs who posted at least once per hour and made ample use of hashtags like #ParentLife and #NumberOneEggDad. “The goal is to instill in these kids the idea that being a parent is no walk in the park—you can’t just take one picture and repost it to different accounts. I expect to see the egg in a variety of fun outfits, the egg playing with other eggs, and the egg sitting next to pastel-colored blocks indicating how many days old it is. There are no shortcuts in parenting and none in this assignment.” Riddle added that students could earn extra credit if their egg became a viral hit and booked an appearance on Ellen.

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