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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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High School Team Denies Winning For Dead Teammate

MONONGAHELA, FL—The Monongahela West Tarpon, a boy's prep baseball team that has surged to a two-game lead in the Frostproof conference with a remarkable seven-game winning streak since the death of second-string catcher Nathan Bannersly, denied Tuesday that their winning streak had anything do to with honoring Bannersly's memory. "Wow, I didn't even put the two together, but I guess we have been doing pretty good since that one kid's crash," pitcher Troy Metz (5-1) said of the teammate whose body was thrown from his Toyota Corolla the night of April 11, killing him instantly. "His name was Nathan, you said? Because there's this one lady who's been holding up a "NATHAN" sign at all our games lately. You know, I bet that's, like, his mom." Other Tarpon players agreed that the coincidence was, in fact, "kind of weird."

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