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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Highbrow Student Apartments Offer Authentic East-Coast Feel

Wealthy Tenants Gladly Pay Extra For Filth, Crime And Vermin

Student housing usually involves shoddy accommodations, sparse furnishings, and tenuous landlord–tenant relations. But some students, unburdened by day jobs, student loans, or financial limitations of any kind, require a bit more to maintain tolerable daily comfort.

For these students, a new rental package is being offered by Le Mons, the luxurious downtown housing facility built last year to accommodate the rising number of upper-crust students in attendance at the University (following the recent toughening of admissions standards at east-coast schools). Students are able to special-order such services as standing pools of urine, random sporadic gunfire, frozen corpses on their doorsteps, and the new Infest-O-MagicTM process, which brings authentic Manhattan-style cockroaches directly into the customer’s home.

“Let’s face facts,” Le Mons owner Ruth Hazelwood said. “My tenants aren’t just any ordinary kind of people. They’re used to the very best, and have high standards for their cultural environment. It is important that, as displaced Manhattanites, they continue to enjoy the elite lifestyle they’ve grown accustomed to. By providing them with these services, we not only insure customer satisfaction, we can charge their parents even more.”

Le Mons resident Horace Greenworthy, a sophomore who recently had his apartment infested with assorted vermin, agrees. “As a native of New York, I’m entitled to fineries that lesser folk must be denied,” he said. “Why, back home, in the cultural nexus of New York, I can’t leave a dish of food out on the kitchen counter for more than two minutes before the entire thing is swarmed by hungry bugs. Now, thanks to Infest-O-Magic, I have the same situation here.”

Options like Infest-O-Magic are quite costly. But so far, the exorbitant fees have deterred few renters. This comes as no surprise to Hazelwood, who likes to boast that her clientele are so well-off that many have never even seen money in its traditional cash form.

Hazelwood has hired a round-the-clock staff of muggers, rapists, and beggars to insure that the crime rate around Le Mons remains at a level at least nine times higher than that of the surrounding community. “I was initially worried that I might turn into a commoner after moving out here and mingling with the lower gentry,” said Le Mons resident E.C. Mauer, “But I knew I’d be all right when, upon entering the building’s homeless-strewn lobby, I was beaten and robbed by a gruff, ethnic gentlemen. It felt just like home.” Mauer also expressed pleasure at the fact that cab fares to and from Le Mons are five to eight times more expensive than regular fares.

His sentiments were echoed by Linny Gold, another tenant. “No offense is intended to the locals,” she pointed out, “but we don’t come from the same primitive rural backgrounds that they did. I’m sure there are many nice folks who grew up in smog-free, low-crime communities. But then again, how many of them have seen anything as fabulous as Miss Saigon?”

In order to insure that Le Mons residents won’t be forced to mingle with the poor on a social level, visitors are not permitted anywhere in the apartment complex. Hazelwood emphatically warns that any students not from the east-coast attempting to socialize with Le Mons leaseholders will be shot on sight. 

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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