Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

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Vol 37 Issue 10

15,000 Years Of Human Artistic Endeavor Culminate In See Spot Run

HOLLYWOOD, CA–More than 15 millennia of human artistic endeavor, stretching back to the Lascaux cave paintings of the Magdalenian Age, have culminated in See Spot Run, the hit Warner Brothers comedy about a wacky mailman and on-the-lam pooch. "From the plays of Sophocles to the concertos of Bach, to the modernist breakthroughs of Martha Graham, for thousands of years, artistic expression has fed man's soul and united the human race," said Oxford University humanities professor Dr. Edmund Woolsey-Cooke. "See Spot Run, starring David Arquette and Leslie Bibb, is the logical endpoint–the apogee, if you will–of this cultural progression."

Congress Adds 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us' Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives added an "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" amendment Monday to H.R. 333, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2001. "What you say!!!" shouted the bill's sponsor, Rep. George Gekas (R-PA), following the amendment's approval. "This bill will not only make debt-ridden Americans more accountable, but it has the added benefit of taking off every 'zig' for great justice." Opponents of the amendment protested that it would potentially set up U.S. the bomb.

Control Freak Wishes She Had More Free Time

CHICAGO–Leo Burnett advertising executive and control freak Suzanne Kreutz lamented her lack of free time Monday while reworking a Kellogg's print ad that a fellow executive just didn't nail. "God, I wish I could just go see a movie once in a while," said Kreutz, re-writing the perfectly good copy. "If this company didn't need me to keep it from flying apart at the seams, I could actually relax a little."

Preventing Military Mishaps

The U.S. military has committed numerous deadly blunders of late, including the accidental sinking of a Japanese fishing trawler and the bombing of the U.S. servicemen during a naval exercises in Kuwait. What measures are being taken in response?

How Real Is Reality TV?

Survivor and other reality-based TV shows have come under fire of late, with former participants charging that aspects of the programs are rigged. What do you think?

Don't Talk To Me About Problems

Hola, amigos. What's the deal behind your steering wheel? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had some shit to contend with. I was supposed to write this column last Wednesday, but I did a few too many one-hitters and wound up spending the whole afternoon trying to figure out what was making this horrible smell under my sink. I pulled out all the rusty tools and bottles of Windex from under it and wound up finding a dead mouse. I was like, "Shit! Mouse!" Then, I was like, "Shit! Dead thing!"
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Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

YPSILANTI, MI—A pair of Eastern Michigan University students found a love letter in the street Monday, deeming the sentiment-laden missive "beyond hilarious."

"Oh, my God, check it out," said Eastern Michigan junior Trent Meijer, excitedly reading the letter to fellow junior Matt Sweeney. "'You are like a feather floating in a sudden spring shower.' How friggin' funny is that?"

Love letter found in street gutter next to a packet of cigarettes.

The five-page, handwritten letter, whose author is unknown, was addressed to "My one and only" and signed "Douglas."

"Whoever this Douglas guy is, he is one seriously whipped mofo," Meijer said. "I mean, what self-respecting guy would write, 'My heart pines for your luxurious auburn hair'? Even harder to explain, what kind of guy would write something that unbelievably embarrassing and not guard it with his life, for fear of it falling into the wrong hands?"

The discovery of the letter, described by Sweeney as an "incredible find," was purely accidental.

"We were walking to class when Trent noticed this piece of paper lying in the gutter. It was all wet and crumpled, and I was like, 'Dude, what are you doing?'" Sweeney said. "Next thing you know, he's laughing so hard, he's practically hyperventilating. He must have psychically known there was something very special on that paper when he reached down for it."

Though Meijer and Sweeney agree that the letter's heartfelt sincerity and purple prose are hilarious, they strongly disagree on which section is the funniest.

"The best part is where he blatantly rips off an old Journey song," Meijer said. "'Whatever you decide, always remember: I'm forever yours, faithfully.' You can almost hear the guitar solo come in after that."

"No way–the best part is where Douglas says, 'It was pure fate that brought us together,'" Sweeney countered. "Then, later, he mentions that they both worked at a Mrs. Fields cookie store in the mall. That's the fate that brought them together? How pathetic is that?"

Both, however, concur that one of the clear high points is a poem on page three titled "My Heart Leaps With Your Every Step." To emphasize the poem's unintentional humor, Meijer read the letter aloud to Sweeney in a high-pitched British accent accompanied by theatrical, sweeping arm movements.

"When Trent read the line, 'Your eyes are like a calm lake / on which my love canoe can silently glide,' I just fuckin' lost it," Sweeney said. "A couple hours later, we were sitting in chemistry lecture, and he just looked at me and said, 'love canoe.' Fortunately, we were way up near the back, because I couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes. That won't be the last time the love canoe gets referenced."

A portion of the letter.

Self-professed experts of found humor, Sweeney and Meijer called the love letter "the alpha and omega" of such finds.

"I have this hysterical 'Lost Ferret' flyer on my fridge that some hippie posted all over town when his precious pet ran away," Meijer said. "It says, 'Please call Zach at the Harvest International Co-op if found!!!" But this love letter has got that beat, hands-down. We should start a website to post all the stuff we've got like this."

The possibility that Douglas and his girlfriend have since broken up only increases the letter's humor value for Meijer and Sweeney.

"There's a lot of talk in it about how he knows things have been rough lately, so if they broke up, that just makes all those lines about how they're soulmates even funnier," Meijer said. "Lines like, 'You're the only true thing in this world that I know' would be funnier by a factor of 10, maybe 12."

"You know what would really be hilarious–if they broke up, and it was because the girl never got this letter," Sweeney said. "If only she'd gotten this note, their 'love that burns so true' might have not have been extinguished."

Meijer and Sweeney then collapsed on the floor in hysterics.

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