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NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

YPSILANTI, MI—A pair of Eastern Michigan University students found a love letter in the street Monday, deeming the sentiment-laden missive "beyond hilarious."

"Oh, my God, check it out," said Eastern Michigan junior Trent Meijer, excitedly reading the letter to fellow junior Matt Sweeney. "'You are like a feather floating in a sudden spring shower.' How friggin' funny is that?"

Love letter found in street gutter next to a packet of cigarettes.

The five-page, handwritten letter, whose author is unknown, was addressed to "My one and only" and signed "Douglas."

"Whoever this Douglas guy is, he is one seriously whipped mofo," Meijer said. "I mean, what self-respecting guy would write, 'My heart pines for your luxurious auburn hair'? Even harder to explain, what kind of guy would write something that unbelievably embarrassing and not guard it with his life, for fear of it falling into the wrong hands?"

The discovery of the letter, described by Sweeney as an "incredible find," was purely accidental.

"We were walking to class when Trent noticed this piece of paper lying in the gutter. It was all wet and crumpled, and I was like, 'Dude, what are you doing?'" Sweeney said. "Next thing you know, he's laughing so hard, he's practically hyperventilating. He must have psychically known there was something very special on that paper when he reached down for it."

Though Meijer and Sweeney agree that the letter's heartfelt sincerity and purple prose are hilarious, they strongly disagree on which section is the funniest.

"The best part is where he blatantly rips off an old Journey song," Meijer said. "'Whatever you decide, always remember: I'm forever yours, faithfully.' You can almost hear the guitar solo come in after that."

"No way–the best part is where Douglas says, 'It was pure fate that brought us together,'" Sweeney countered. "Then, later, he mentions that they both worked at a Mrs. Fields cookie store in the mall. That's the fate that brought them together? How pathetic is that?"

Both, however, concur that one of the clear high points is a poem on page three titled "My Heart Leaps With Your Every Step." To emphasize the poem's unintentional humor, Meijer read the letter aloud to Sweeney in a high-pitched British accent accompanied by theatrical, sweeping arm movements.

"When Trent read the line, 'Your eyes are like a calm lake / on which my love canoe can silently glide,' I just fuckin' lost it," Sweeney said. "A couple hours later, we were sitting in chemistry lecture, and he just looked at me and said, 'love canoe.' Fortunately, we were way up near the back, because I couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes. That won't be the last time the love canoe gets referenced."

A portion of the letter.

Self-professed experts of found humor, Sweeney and Meijer called the love letter "the alpha and omega" of such finds.

"I have this hysterical 'Lost Ferret' flyer on my fridge that some hippie posted all over town when his precious pet ran away," Meijer said. "It says, 'Please call Zach at the Harvest International Co-op if found!!!" But this love letter has got that beat, hands-down. We should start a website to post all the stuff we've got like this."

The possibility that Douglas and his girlfriend have since broken up only increases the letter's humor value for Meijer and Sweeney.

"There's a lot of talk in it about how he knows things have been rough lately, so if they broke up, that just makes all those lines about how they're soulmates even funnier," Meijer said. "Lines like, 'You're the only true thing in this world that I know' would be funnier by a factor of 10, maybe 12."

"You know what would really be hilarious–if they broke up, and it was because the girl never got this letter," Sweeney said. "If only she'd gotten this note, their 'love that burns so true' might have not have been extinguished."

Meijer and Sweeney then collapsed on the floor in hysterics.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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