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Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

YPSILANTI, MI—A pair of Eastern Michigan University students found a love letter in the street Monday, deeming the sentiment-laden missive "beyond hilarious."

"Oh, my God, check it out," said Eastern Michigan junior Trent Meijer, excitedly reading the letter to fellow junior Matt Sweeney. "'You are like a feather floating in a sudden spring shower.' How friggin' funny is that?"

Love letter found in street gutter next to a packet of cigarettes.

The five-page, handwritten letter, whose author is unknown, was addressed to "My one and only" and signed "Douglas."

"Whoever this Douglas guy is, he is one seriously whipped mofo," Meijer said. "I mean, what self-respecting guy would write, 'My heart pines for your luxurious auburn hair'? Even harder to explain, what kind of guy would write something that unbelievably embarrassing and not guard it with his life, for fear of it falling into the wrong hands?"

The discovery of the letter, described by Sweeney as an "incredible find," was purely accidental.

"We were walking to class when Trent noticed this piece of paper lying in the gutter. It was all wet and crumpled, and I was like, 'Dude, what are you doing?'" Sweeney said. "Next thing you know, he's laughing so hard, he's practically hyperventilating. He must have psychically known there was something very special on that paper when he reached down for it."

Though Meijer and Sweeney agree that the letter's heartfelt sincerity and purple prose are hilarious, they strongly disagree on which section is the funniest.

"The best part is where he blatantly rips off an old Journey song," Meijer said. "'Whatever you decide, always remember: I'm forever yours, faithfully.' You can almost hear the guitar solo come in after that."

"No way–the best part is where Douglas says, 'It was pure fate that brought us together,'" Sweeney countered. "Then, later, he mentions that they both worked at a Mrs. Fields cookie store in the mall. That's the fate that brought them together? How pathetic is that?"

Both, however, concur that one of the clear high points is a poem on page three titled "My Heart Leaps With Your Every Step." To emphasize the poem's unintentional humor, Meijer read the letter aloud to Sweeney in a high-pitched British accent accompanied by theatrical, sweeping arm movements.

"When Trent read the line, 'Your eyes are like a calm lake / on which my love canoe can silently glide,' I just fuckin' lost it," Sweeney said. "A couple hours later, we were sitting in chemistry lecture, and he just looked at me and said, 'love canoe.' Fortunately, we were way up near the back, because I couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes. That won't be the last time the love canoe gets referenced."

A portion of the letter.

Self-professed experts of found humor, Sweeney and Meijer called the love letter "the alpha and omega" of such finds.

"I have this hysterical 'Lost Ferret' flyer on my fridge that some hippie posted all over town when his precious pet ran away," Meijer said. "It says, 'Please call Zach at the Harvest International Co-op if found!!!" But this love letter has got that beat, hands-down. We should start a website to post all the stuff we've got like this."

The possibility that Douglas and his girlfriend have since broken up only increases the letter's humor value for Meijer and Sweeney.

"There's a lot of talk in it about how he knows things have been rough lately, so if they broke up, that just makes all those lines about how they're soulmates even funnier," Meijer said. "Lines like, 'You're the only true thing in this world that I know' would be funnier by a factor of 10, maybe 12."

"You know what would really be hilarious–if they broke up, and it was because the girl never got this letter," Sweeney said. "If only she'd gotten this note, their 'love that burns so true' might have not have been extinguished."

Meijer and Sweeney then collapsed on the floor in hysterics.

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