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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity

‘Here I Am, A Mere Human Being,’ Says Naked Candidate

The Democratic presidential candidate explains her desire for Americans to see her as she is, unmediated by “any veils of pretense, preconception, or concealing cloth.”
The Democratic presidential candidate explains her desire for Americans to see her as she is, unmediated by “any veils of pretense, preconception, or concealing cloth.”

RALEIGH, NC—Flatly declaring to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and for all prove her authenticity.

Moments after being introduced to an enthusiastic crowd by North Carolina congressman G. K. Butterfield, Clinton is said to have taken the stage at PNC Arena, whereupon the 20,000 cheering spectators became abruptly silent at the sight of the fully naked former secretary of state walking slowly across the dais to the tune of John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses.”

“I am here today not as a politician, nor as a presidential candidate, but simply as a vulnerable, flawed human—just like any one of you,” said Clinton, before pivoting in a slow circle at center stage with her arms outstretched at her sides and her palms held open, presenting to the crowd the entirety of her nude body. “Look upon me, friends. Go ahead and truly look. What you see before you is a living, breathing woman standing here exactly as she was created. I am unadorned. I am without artifice. I am real.”

“This, North Carolina, is Hillary Rodham Clinton,” she continued.

The former first lady, who throughout the rally spoke while clutching a handheld microphone inches from her exposed breasts, was then said to have elaborated for nearly 60 minutes on her essential nature and the shared human experience of being composed of humble organic matter, her pale, naked flesh standing in stark relief against the backdrop of her campaign logo. In addition to foregoing clothing, sources said Clinton appeared without makeup and allowed her hair to fall naturally to her bare shoulders, her unvarnished nude image projected on the arena’s 30-foot Jumbotron screen as she described herself as a “fragile, impermanent vessel.”

Those in attendance reported that Clinton’s speech—which often returned to the theme that, underneath the walls we put up to protect ourselves, we’re all merely people striving, surviving, and trying to do our best—was met largely by uninterrupted silence from the stunned and increasingly uncomfortable audience. Sources added that during pauses in her address, Clinton’s bare feet could be heard sticking against the floor as she walked across the raised platform.

Witnesses also noted that the bright stage lights left Clinton’s entire nude body covered in a visible sheen of slick sweat.

“I ask that you trust me, just as I have placed my trust in you by standing here today utterly defenseless and unconcealed,” said Clinton before taking a sip of water, as a supporter’s cough echoed throughout the arena and the last of the crowd’s “Fighting For Us” posters slowly sank into the sea of spectators. “You can believe in me because I am a person. I have fears, wants, and desires, as all of you do.”

“I have known love and loss, joy and anguish; in the lines and creases of my body, you can read a simple, straightforward story of hard-earned experience,” she added.

During several attempts to lock eyes with uneasy supporters in the front row, sources said Clinton strongly implored those in attendance not to divert their gaze from her naked form, stressing that her exposed body stood as a symbol of who, in essence, we all truly are.

“Yes, this same body has survived childbirth, illness, and nearly seven decades of winters; and yes, it may now lack the suppleness and blush of youth,” said Clinton, who, according to witnesses, then began gently running her hand along her sagging underarm skin and the varicose veins crisscrossing her thighs. “But all of these imperfections simultaneously make me a person like any other and a unique individual, and for that I am grateful. And so, when I say that I will fight to expand the middle class and ensure economic opportunity for all Americans, I can say it with the conviction of someone who has—as we all must one day—confronted and accepted the humbling limitations of the human body.”

“Let there be no doubt that I am who you perceive me to be—nothing more, nothing less,” Clinton continued.

Following the conclusion of her speech, sources confirmed that Clinton exited the stage to a smattering of applause and attempted to embrace resistant supporters along the ropeline before being whisked away to a fundraiser where she posed for photos with unsettled donors.

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