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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results

‘Satisfactory,’ Says Candidate

MIAMI—Striding briskly onto the stage and walking directly toward the podium without stopping to wave or smile at the cheering crowd in attendance, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly issued a single-word victory speech after significantly widening her delegate lead on Super Tuesday. “Satisfactory,” the former first lady said in a flat, firm tone of voice while standing expressionless at the lectern, her unwavering gaze fixed straight forward. According to reports, the candidate then remained stationary at the podium for roughly a minute while the applause and chants around her steadily died down, blinking exactly three times before turning around and walking off the stage without saying another word. Following the rally, sources confirmed that Clinton sent a celebratory email to her supporters nationwide that stated only “Not yet sufficient.”

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