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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results

‘Satisfactory,’ Says Candidate

MIAMI—Striding briskly onto the stage and walking directly toward the podium without stopping to wave or smile at the cheering crowd in attendance, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly issued a single-word victory speech after significantly widening her delegate lead on Super Tuesday. “Satisfactory,” the former first lady said in a flat, firm tone of voice while standing expressionless at the lectern, her unwavering gaze fixed straight forward. According to reports, the candidate then remained stationary at the podium for roughly a minute while the applause and chants around her steadily died down, blinking exactly three times before turning around and walking off the stage without saying another word. Following the rally, sources confirmed that Clinton sent a celebratory email to her supporters nationwide that stated only “Not yet sufficient.”

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