adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results

‘Satisfactory,’ Says Candidate

MIAMI—Striding briskly onto the stage and walking directly toward the podium without stopping to wave or smile at the cheering crowd in attendance, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly issued a single-word victory speech after significantly widening her delegate lead on Super Tuesday. “Satisfactory,” the former first lady said in a flat, firm tone of voice while standing expressionless at the lectern, her unwavering gaze fixed straight forward. According to reports, the candidate then remained stationary at the podium for roughly a minute while the applause and chants around her steadily died down, blinking exactly three times before turning around and walking off the stage without saying another word. Following the rally, sources confirmed that Clinton sent a celebratory email to her supporters nationwide that stated only “Not yet sufficient.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close