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Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Unveiling a bold scent described by its manufacturer as "steely, bracing, and curt, with notes of patent leather, sandalwood, and wool serge," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton launched her own line of soaps, eaux de toilette, and body splashes Thursday. The new fragrance, called "Authorité," was designed to evoke the olfactory equivalent of sensible shoes clicking purposefully down a marble-tiled hallway. "Our distinguished parfumeurs—and, more importantly, Madame Secretary—have created exactly the right tone, a scent that brooks no argument," spokesperson Etienne Falbaum said. "This is a controlled, competent, and, above all, patient essence that makes men sit up, take notice, and not speak until spoken to." Advertising inserts scented with Authorité will be featured in upcoming editions of Elle, The Economist, and The New York Review of Books.

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