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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Hillary Clinton Opens Chili's Franchise Just Outside Of Washington, D.C.

HERNDON, VA—After officially ending her tenure as Secretary of State on Friday, Hillary Clinton wasted no time in moving on to the next stage of her career by opening a new Chili’s franchise location in the metro Washington area, sources reported. “I am absolutely thrilled with this exciting new opportunity to generate income and take control of my future by partnering with an established brand like Chili’s,” the former two-term senator told reporters while ushering customers through the door of her new restaurant, which she licensed from Chili’s for an initial franchise fee of $45,000. “It’s simple—they supply the space and the on-site training, you provide the opening cost, and soon enough you’ve got money rolling in. Of course, as operator of this location, my job is to stay true to Chili’s standards by providing great service, a great atmosphere, and great Tex-Mex cuisine that everyone in the Herndon community can enjoy.” While Clinton said she plans to focus on her current franchise moving forward, sources close to the former secretary say she may in fact have aspirations to become a multi-unit operator.

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