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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hillary Clinton Opens Chili's Franchise Just Outside Of Washington, D.C.

HERNDON, VA—After officially ending her tenure as Secretary of State on Friday, Hillary Clinton wasted no time in moving on to the next stage of her career by opening a new Chili’s franchise location in the metro Washington area, sources reported. “I am absolutely thrilled with this exciting new opportunity to generate income and take control of my future by partnering with an established brand like Chili’s,” the former two-term senator told reporters while ushering customers through the door of her new restaurant, which she licensed from Chili’s for an initial franchise fee of $45,000. “It’s simple—they supply the space and the on-site training, you provide the opening cost, and soon enough you’ve got money rolling in. Of course, as operator of this location, my job is to stay true to Chili’s standards by providing great service, a great atmosphere, and great Tex-Mex cuisine that everyone in the Herndon community can enjoy.” While Clinton said she plans to focus on her current franchise moving forward, sources close to the former secretary say she may in fact have aspirations to become a multi-unit operator.

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