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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Hillary Clinton Opens Chili's Franchise Just Outside Of Washington, D.C.

HERNDON, VA—After officially ending her tenure as Secretary of State on Friday, Hillary Clinton wasted no time in moving on to the next stage of her career by opening a new Chili’s franchise location in the metro Washington area, sources reported. “I am absolutely thrilled with this exciting new opportunity to generate income and take control of my future by partnering with an established brand like Chili’s,” the former two-term senator told reporters while ushering customers through the door of her new restaurant, which she licensed from Chili’s for an initial franchise fee of $45,000. “It’s simple—they supply the space and the on-site training, you provide the opening cost, and soon enough you’ve got money rolling in. Of course, as operator of this location, my job is to stay true to Chili’s standards by providing great service, a great atmosphere, and great Tex-Mex cuisine that everyone in the Herndon community can enjoy.” While Clinton said she plans to focus on her current franchise moving forward, sources close to the former secretary say she may in fact have aspirations to become a multi-unit operator.

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