Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
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Hillary Clinton Opens New Presidential Library Charting Course Of Purely Theoretical Tenure As Commander In Chief

PARK RIDGE, IL—At a ribbon-cutting ceremony held Tuesday on the steps of the recently completed 200,000-square-foot facility, Hillary Clinton opened a new presidential library and museum that commemorates the presidency she might have had if elected. “Visitors to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Center can learn all about her tenure as commander in chief as it hypothetically might have unfolded over two terms in office,” read a press release issued by the library, which archives thousands of pages of correspondence the former candidate wrote herself on replica Oval Office letterhead, displays pens she could have used to sign landmark legislation, and otherwise chronicles the pivotal moments of her nonexistent presidency. “Preserved here for future generations are the texts of the seven State of the Union addresses she would have delivered, as well as filmed interviews in which Clinton reflects on imagined signature achievements such as the 2019 Paid Family and Medical Leave Act and a new U.S.-led climate treaty that future historians would have credited with ending the world’s dependence on fossil fuels.” Sources said the museum also contains exhibits on the Supreme Court justices Clinton would have appointed to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Anthony Kennedy, and Stephen Breyer, presuming they had all died during her presidency.

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