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Politics

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Hillary Clinton Pleasantly Surprised After Finding Old $20,000 Donation Check In Coat Pocket

NEW YORK—Smiling at her good fortune following the unexpected discovery, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was reportedly pleasantly surprised Friday upon finding an old $20,000 donation check in her coat pocket. “I was just headed out the door and was digging around for my keys, and I just happened to find a 20-grand check I had completely forgotten about crumpled up in there,” said Clinton, who noted the $20,000 contribution was stuffed way at the bottom of her pocket, and speculated that it had probably been down there for about eight years. “Sometimes, I’ll find a few $1,000 checks in my pants pockets or in the couch cushions, but finding $20,000 is actually a nice little pick-me-up. It’s just a delightful way to start the day.” Clinton added that she would probably use the unexpected find to treat herself to something nice, like a round of harsh anti–Bernie Sanders attack ads in Wisconsin.

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