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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Hillary Clinton Pleasantly Surprised After Finding Old $20,000 Donation Check In Coat Pocket

NEW YORK—Smiling at her good fortune following the unexpected discovery, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was reportedly pleasantly surprised Friday upon finding an old $20,000 donation check in her coat pocket. “I was just headed out the door and was digging around for my keys, and I just happened to find a 20-grand check I had completely forgotten about crumpled up in there,” said Clinton, who noted the $20,000 contribution was stuffed way at the bottom of her pocket, and speculated that it had probably been down there for about eight years. “Sometimes, I’ll find a few $1,000 checks in my pants pockets or in the couch cushions, but finding $20,000 is actually a nice little pick-me-up. It’s just a delightful way to start the day.” Clinton added that she would probably use the unexpected find to treat herself to something nice, like a round of harsh anti–Bernie Sanders attack ads in Wisconsin.

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