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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Hillary Clinton Pleasantly Surprised After Finding Old $20,000 Donation Check In Coat Pocket

NEW YORK—Smiling at her good fortune following the unexpected discovery, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was reportedly pleasantly surprised Friday upon finding an old $20,000 donation check in her coat pocket. “I was just headed out the door and was digging around for my keys, and I just happened to find a 20-grand check I had completely forgotten about crumpled up in there,” said Clinton, who noted the $20,000 contribution was stuffed way at the bottom of her pocket, and speculated that it had probably been down there for about eight years. “Sometimes, I’ll find a few $1,000 checks in my pants pockets or in the couch cushions, but finding $20,000 is actually a nice little pick-me-up. It’s just a delightful way to start the day.” Clinton added that she would probably use the unexpected find to treat herself to something nice, like a round of harsh anti–Bernie Sanders attack ads in Wisconsin.

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