adBlockCheck

Hillary Clinton Quietly Asks Bill If He Still Finds Her Electable

Top Headlines

Politics

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hillary Clinton Quietly Asks Bill If He Still Finds Her Electable

66-year-old Clinton asks her husband if he still finds her to be a desirable candidate.
66-year-old Clinton asks her husband if he still finds her to be a desirable candidate.

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Saying that the thought had been on her mind for a while and that she felt she needed to bring it out in the open, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly asked her husband Bill if he still finds her electable Tuesday evening.

According to sources, the 66-year-old stateswoman broached the subject while the two were both reading in bed, reportedly looking up from her page before revealing to her husband that she fears he no longer finds her to be a desirable candidate.

“Bill, I want you to be honest with me: Do my political prospects still look good to you?” asked Hillary, assuring her husband that she could handle his candid answer, but that she would like to know one way or the other. “When you look at me, do you still see someone who can fire up the liberal base? And don’t just say yes because you know that’s what I want to hear.”

“I just want to know if you still consider me appealing,” she continued, “particularly to blacks, Hispanics, and women between 30 and 44.”

Despite the two-term president’s assurances that her approval numbers have never looked better and that her best primary days are ahead of her, the former senator from New York admitted to worrying that her husband was growing uninterested in her candidacy, reportedly claiming that he does not seem to stump for her like he used to.

Clinton added that she did not know if the thought of seeing her platform even excites him anymore.

“I understand that I’m not the same candidate I was 13 or even five years ago—it’s natural for a political figure to change over time,” said Clinton, admitting that, as she has grown older, her positions have shifted in ways she didn’t always see coming. “But I haven’t stopped caring about my political viability. I’m still a woman with national ambitions.”

“Remember New Hampshire back in 2008?” she continued, reflecting on a period when she said her husband used to repeatedly tell her she was the Democratic favorite. “I remember the passion in your voice, and how you used to call out my name at rallies and town hall meetings—it seemed like you were always in campaign mode for me. But now I sometimes wonder if this is even the same political partnership.”

When reminded by her husband that they fundraised on two different nights last week, the former first lady reportedly responded by saying that she could tell he was “not into it” on either occasion, adding that endorsing her shouldn’t seem like it’s a chore to him.

Sources confirmed that Clinton grew increasingly agitated at her husband, telling the 42nd president of the United States that she felt as if he failed to even notice her recent efforts to seem more electable, such as picking out a new political adviser or becoming more active on social media. According to accounts, she then asked her husband directly if he could even name a single one of her talking points that truly grabbed his attention.

“When was the last time you told me I’m what this country wants—that I’m what this country needs?” she said, adding that if he truly sees her captivating independent voters he should say so because she “can’t read [his] mind.” “I just want you to make me feel like a frontrunner again.”

“Would you like me more if I were a firebrand?” she abruptly demanded to know after several moments of silence.

According to reports, Clinton then asked the former commander-in-chief if he still likes to fantasize about electing the first female president, though she allegedly cut off his response by suggesting that, at this point, he probably likes to picture Elizabeth Warren or Kirsten Gillibrand when he does.

Sources confirmed that after pausing to regain her composure, Clinton softly added that she still considers her husband electable, but claimed that it’s different for a man anyway.

After Clinton stated that the conversation was “going nowhere” and suggested that the pair just drop the subject and go to sleep, sources noted that the former president wondered aloud why his wife even reads magazines like The National Review if she knows they always make her feel this way.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close