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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Hillary Clinton Spends Busy Day Fueling Speculation, Not Ruling Things Out

WASHINGTON—Capping off a packed week of weighing options and giving serious thought, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton spent a busy day in Washington fueling speculation and not ruling things out, her spokesman confirmed today. “After dedicating a few hours in the morning to drawing a lot of focus, laying groundwork, and calculating risks, Mrs. Clinton conducted a full afternoon of taking stock of and thinking it through, as well as several hours of careful considering,” Clinton press aide Nick Merrill said of the 66-year-old’s breakneck schedule of entertaining various possibilities and seeing all sides. “Between looking ahead and setting the stage, Mrs. Clinton has been putting in 18-hour days of late. No sooner has she finished up an evening’s worth of hinting at than she has to wake up the next morning at 6 a.m. and resume being touted as.” At press time, sources reported that Clinton was trying to squeeze in several more minutes of not rushing to decisions before sparking rumors and generating buzz.

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