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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Hillary Clinton Spends Busy Day Fueling Speculation, Not Ruling Things Out

WASHINGTON—Capping off a packed week of weighing options and giving serious thought, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton spent a busy day in Washington fueling speculation and not ruling things out, her spokesman confirmed today. “After dedicating a few hours in the morning to drawing a lot of focus, laying groundwork, and calculating risks, Mrs. Clinton conducted a full afternoon of taking stock of and thinking it through, as well as several hours of careful considering,” Clinton press aide Nick Merrill said of the 66-year-old’s breakneck schedule of entertaining various possibilities and seeing all sides. “Between looking ahead and setting the stage, Mrs. Clinton has been putting in 18-hour days of late. No sooner has she finished up an evening’s worth of hinting at than she has to wake up the next morning at 6 a.m. and resume being touted as.” At press time, sources reported that Clinton was trying to squeeze in several more minutes of not rushing to decisions before sparking rumors and generating buzz.

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