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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Hillary Clinton Spends Busy Day Fueling Speculation, Not Ruling Things Out

WASHINGTON—Capping off a packed week of weighing options and giving serious thought, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton spent a busy day in Washington fueling speculation and not ruling things out, her spokesman confirmed today. “After dedicating a few hours in the morning to drawing a lot of focus, laying groundwork, and calculating risks, Mrs. Clinton conducted a full afternoon of taking stock of and thinking it through, as well as several hours of careful considering,” Clinton press aide Nick Merrill said of the 66-year-old’s breakneck schedule of entertaining various possibilities and seeing all sides. “Between looking ahead and setting the stage, Mrs. Clinton has been putting in 18-hour days of late. No sooner has she finished up an evening’s worth of hinting at than she has to wake up the next morning at 6 a.m. and resume being touted as.” At press time, sources reported that Clinton was trying to squeeze in several more minutes of not rushing to decisions before sparking rumors and generating buzz.

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