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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Hines Ward

STRENGTHS: One of the most agreeable assholes in the game; block on Keith Rivers received harsh critical reviews but grossed $12.5 million worldwide; great blocking receiver, mangling receiver; unlike some Steelers receivers, can in fact catch a cold

WEAKNESSES: Cheap shots could be a little more discreet; is not a natural-born U.S. citizen and therefore is ineligible to be elected league MVP; one of those guys who always has to touch you when he’s talking

SUPER BOWL PREPARATION: Looking at game film to determine which Packers turn their backs long enough for him to cheap-shot them

WELL-KNOWN FACT: He will definitely get his, and it ain’t gonna be pretty

PUBLIC IMAGE: Considered a role model in comparison to James Harrison

NEXT: James Harrison

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