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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds

NEW YORK—Noting the degree to which he likes to say rhyming words as a type of music, sources confirmed this week that a hip-hop man very much enjoys creating musical rapping sounds with his mouth and recording said sounds for the purpose of commercial release. “He is a very good hip-hop man, he frequently performs the rhythmic rapping of words, and it is clear that he finds it enjoyable to use his mouth as a sort of word-rhyming instrument,” said Tyler Bodris, an admirer of the hip-hop man. “His musical rap noises are of a high quality, he is a successful rapping person, and he is my favorite of the various hip-hop men and women.” Sources also confirmed that the hip-hop man sounds like he is talking but is in fact making mouth-based rapping noises in what can only be described as an accompaniment, in a sense, to a drumming man, or rather the simulation of a drumming man.

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