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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds

NEW YORK—Noting the degree to which he likes to say rhyming words as a type of music, sources confirmed this week that a hip-hop man very much enjoys creating musical rapping sounds with his mouth and recording said sounds for the purpose of commercial release. “He is a very good hip-hop man, he frequently performs the rhythmic rapping of words, and it is clear that he finds it enjoyable to use his mouth as a sort of word-rhyming instrument,” said Tyler Bodris, an admirer of the hip-hop man. “His musical rap noises are of a high quality, he is a successful rapping person, and he is my favorite of the various hip-hop men and women.” Sources also confirmed that the hip-hop man sounds like he is talking but is in fact making mouth-based rapping noises in what can only be described as an accompaniment, in a sense, to a drumming man, or rather the simulation of a drumming man.

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