Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment

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Vol 48 Issue 41

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.
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Small Business

Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment

PHOENIX—Citizens across the United States are expressing renewed hopes for a nationwide economic recovery following news that local resident and complete moron Ron Freizczky has found work, sources confirmed Monday. “They hired that guy…as a consultant?” Arizona man Bob Gunderbladt said of the 27-year-old dullard, remarking that if a dumb shit like that can get a decent job, anyone can. “The man can’t find his ass with both hands, but—wow, I guess things are really looking up. This country is finally starting to feel like America again.” Reached for comment, leading economists agreed that if more goddamn idiots like Freizczky get jobs that come with financial responsibility, conditions will indeed return to where they were just before the Great Recession.

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