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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment

PHOENIX—Citizens across the United States are expressing renewed hopes for a nationwide economic recovery following news that local resident and complete moron Ron Freizczky has found work, sources confirmed Monday. “They hired that guy…as a consultant?” Arizona man Bob Gunderbladt said of the 27-year-old dullard, remarking that if a dumb shit like that can get a decent job, anyone can. “The man can’t find his ass with both hands, but—wow, I guess things are really looking up. This country is finally starting to feel like America again.” Reached for comment, leading economists agreed that if more goddamn idiots like Freizczky get jobs that come with financial responsibility, conditions will indeed return to where they were just before the Great Recession.

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