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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
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Hispanics Expected To Become Majority Of U.S. Population By Middle Of Father-In-Law’s Rant

WASHINGTON—According to a Census Bureau report released Thursday, Hispanics are now projected to make up the majority of the U.S. populace by the middle of local father-in-law Jerry Stambaugh’s rant. “We found that Latinos are on track to outnumber whites in this country as early as when Jerry starts in on how they’re taking all the jobs and how there are too many of them already,” said Census Bureau associate director for field operations William H. Hatcher Jr., adding that, if the pace of immigration accelerates, the historic demographic shift may even occur by the time the 58-year-old father-in-law’s tirade reveals Hispanics breed like rabbits and drain the country’s valuable resources. “Our research suggests that, further down the road, when he angrily launches into how things were a hell of a lot different when he was growing up, the Latino population may reach upwards of 55 or even 60 percent of the nation’s population. Even our most conservative estimates posit a Hispanic majority before Stambaugh declares how those people should just go back to their own country.” Experts further projected that no real Americans would be left in the country by the end of Stambaugh’s epithet-filled ramblings.

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