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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Hispanics Expected To Become Majority Of U.S. Population By Middle Of Father-In-Law’s Rant

WASHINGTON—According to a Census Bureau report released Thursday, Hispanics are now projected to make up the majority of the U.S. populace by the middle of local father-in-law Jerry Stambaugh’s rant. “We found that Latinos are on track to outnumber whites in this country as early as when Jerry starts in on how they’re taking all the jobs and how there are too many of them already,” said Census Bureau associate director for field operations William H. Hatcher Jr., adding that, if the pace of immigration accelerates, the historic demographic shift may even occur by the time the 58-year-old father-in-law’s tirade reveals Hispanics breed like rabbits and drain the country’s valuable resources. “Our research suggests that, further down the road, when he angrily launches into how things were a hell of a lot different when he was growing up, the Latino population may reach upwards of 55 or even 60 percent of the nation’s population. Even our most conservative estimates posit a Hispanic majority before Stambaugh declares how those people should just go back to their own country.” Experts further projected that no real Americans would be left in the country by the end of Stambaugh’s epithet-filled ramblings.

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