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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Historical Archives: 14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting

SHOTTEN DEAD, in a school house in Western VIRGINIA, over the course of Six HOURS, by a Musket-wielding Gun-Man, were 14 Students, may GOD rest their Souls, and may He damn for-ever their fellow Student, an' him sore vexed in the Heade, who measured forth powder, and prymer, and cut Wadding, and rammed home the leaden Ball atop the Charge, and set match a-smoulder, ignoring entreaties for Mercy and Pitie during the five-to-seven Minute Periods of reloading requir'd to Dispatch his VICKTIMS; and who, once all were Struck Down, shot also himself, after a twenty-five minute Flurrie of Suicidal Activity and a Search for a fork'd Stick that might reach the Triggre.

And subsequently found were, a NOTE or† Manifesto, writt'n by the boy on parch-ment, in India-ink from the very QUILL, with which he committ'd his daily Arithmetick; and this NOTE concerning a number of black-themed re-marks and drawings of a fantastical Nature, and further more, depict'd such others in the school house who had committ'd such perceiv'd Affronts against his Person, being met with violent ends by cannon ball, scythe,

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