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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Historical Archives: 14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting

SHOTTEN DEAD, in a school house in Western VIRGINIA, over the course of Six HOURS, by a Musket-wielding Gun-Man, were 14 Students, may GOD rest their Souls, and may He damn for-ever their fellow Student, an' him sore vexed in the Heade, who measured forth powder, and prymer, and cut Wadding, and rammed home the leaden Ball atop the Charge, and set match a-smoulder, ignoring entreaties for Mercy and Pitie during the five-to-seven Minute Periods of reloading requir'd to Dispatch his VICKTIMS; and who, once all were Struck Down, shot also himself, after a twenty-five minute Flurrie of Suicidal Activity and a Search for a fork'd Stick that might reach the Triggre.

And subsequently found were, a NOTE or† Manifesto, writt'n by the boy on parch-ment, in India-ink from the very QUILL, with which he committ'd his daily Arithmetick; and this NOTE concerning a number of black-themed re-marks and drawings of a fantastical Nature, and further more, depict'd such others in the school house who had committ'd such perceiv'd Affronts against his Person, being met with violent ends by cannon ball, scythe,

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