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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Historical Archives: A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home

The gentle town of HARRISBURG was confronted with a most Worrisome and Shocking sight the day before last, one owing to the sudden appearance of Wyfe and Child-Bearer MARGARET COOK from the Interior of her Home. Defying all Reason, COOK was observ'd to exit into the Open Air, though no Man had instruct'd her to do so, no Domestik Task required her to be out of doors, and no sign of Suffocating Fire had surfaced from her modest Dwelling. On-lookers, their Scalps scratch'd raw by the confusion, said that COOK set forth unaccompanied into Towne, as if that were an entirely Natural act, and in no way Suspicious or HIGHLY DISTURBING. Upon reaching the center of Towne, COOK's behavior only grew more troubl'ng, once meeting the gaze of a Butcher as though he were an Equal, twice stopping to read a Windowe-Notice, and four times allowing her countenance to rise upward and express an emotion that could only be described as Satisfaction. It is also fear'd that during her Journey, the Mischievous Woman, paused hither and thither, and in a manner suit-able only to those of the masculine persuasion, began to make pointed Observations and formulate Opinions of Her Own Mind!

More ominous than her quiet reflection, however, was the manner in which COOK seemed to carry her own Bodily Person. The Head and Chin were rais'd in a fashion that which lent her an air of Confidence and Guilt-less Comfort, while profane BEADS OF SWEAT were permitt'd to accumulate about the upper lip and the back of the Neck. COOK was also witness'd NOT to be Heavy With Child at the time of her excursion, an offense that left many a passer by unable to extract the very Words from their Tongue.

It is still not known what Nefarious Force drove this once respect-able Woman from her Home and into the THROES OF INSANITY, but those with the grave misfortune to have crossed her foot-path say she is capable of almost anything, and perhaps even Logic.

MARGARET COOK was Reprimanded, Disowned and Hang'd until Dead after returning to her place of Residence.

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