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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Historical Archives: A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home

The gentle town of HARRISBURG was confronted with a most Worrisome and Shocking sight the day before last, one owing to the sudden appearance of Wyfe and Child-Bearer MARGARET COOK from the Interior of her Home. Defying all Reason, COOK was observ'd to exit into the Open Air, though no Man had instruct'd her to do so, no Domestik Task required her to be out of doors, and no sign of Suffocating Fire had surfaced from her modest Dwelling. On-lookers, their Scalps scratch'd raw by the confusion, said that COOK set forth unaccompanied into Towne, as if that were an entirely Natural act, and in no way Suspicious or HIGHLY DISTURBING. Upon reaching the center of Towne, COOK's behavior only grew more troubl'ng, once meeting the gaze of a Butcher as though he were an Equal, twice stopping to read a Windowe-Notice, and four times allowing her countenance to rise upward and express an emotion that could only be described as Satisfaction. It is also fear'd that during her Journey, the Mischievous Woman, paused hither and thither, and in a manner suit-able only to those of the masculine persuasion, began to make pointed Observations and formulate Opinions of Her Own Mind!

More ominous than her quiet reflection, however, was the manner in which COOK seemed to carry her own Bodily Person. The Head and Chin were rais'd in a fashion that which lent her an air of Confidence and Guilt-less Comfort, while profane BEADS OF SWEAT were permitt'd to accumulate about the upper lip and the back of the Neck. COOK was also witness'd NOT to be Heavy With Child at the time of her excursion, an offense that left many a passer by unable to extract the very Words from their Tongue.

It is still not known what Nefarious Force drove this once respect-able Woman from her Home and into the THROES OF INSANITY, but those with the grave misfortune to have crossed her foot-path say she is capable of almost anything, and perhaps even Logic.

MARGARET COOK was Reprimanded, Disowned and Hang'd until Dead after returning to her place of Residence.

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