adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home

The gentle town of HARRISBURG was confronted with a most Worrisome and Shocking sight the day before last, one owing to the sudden appearance of Wyfe and Child-Bearer MARGARET COOK from the Interior of her Home. Defying all Reason, COOK was observ'd to exit into the Open Air, though no Man had instruct'd her to do so, no Domestik Task required her to be out of doors, and no sign of Suffocating Fire had surfaced from her modest Dwelling. On-lookers, their Scalps scratch'd raw by the confusion, said that COOK set forth unaccompanied into Towne, as if that were an entirely Natural act, and in no way Suspicious or HIGHLY DISTURBING. Upon reaching the center of Towne, COOK's behavior only grew more troubl'ng, once meeting the gaze of a Butcher as though he were an Equal, twice stopping to read a Windowe-Notice, and four times allowing her countenance to rise upward and express an emotion that could only be described as Satisfaction. It is also fear'd that during her Journey, the Mischievous Woman, paused hither and thither, and in a manner suit-able only to those of the masculine persuasion, began to make pointed Observations and formulate Opinions of Her Own Mind!

More ominous than her quiet reflection, however, was the manner in which COOK seemed to carry her own Bodily Person. The Head and Chin were rais'd in a fashion that which lent her an air of Confidence and Guilt-less Comfort, while profane BEADS OF SWEAT were permitt'd to accumulate about the upper lip and the back of the Neck. COOK was also witness'd NOT to be Heavy With Child at the time of her excursion, an offense that left many a passer by unable to extract the very Words from their Tongue.

It is still not known what Nefarious Force drove this once respect-able Woman from her Home and into the THROES OF INSANITY, but those with the grave misfortune to have crossed her foot-path say she is capable of almost anything, and perhaps even Logic.

MARGARET COOK was Reprimanded, Disowned and Hang'd until Dead after returning to her place of Residence.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close