adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being led to his rightful Station at the Pillory, the Drake alight'd before the Device, causing Ruckus & Howls of Laughter amongst the Citizenry. The utterance of a solitary Quack from the Duck was observ'd by Many as being Akin to a Thunderous Report from the Breeches. Even the Widow THIEDE, who is ordinarily of doleful Disposition, was seen to open wide her Maw and cackle.

The Assembled, far from demonstrating the dignified and somber Mien that befits a Mob, instead cast Bits of Bread at the Silly Bird, so as to encourage its continu'd Presence on the Common. After over a Quarter Hour of waddling about in an ungainly Fashion and wagging his taper'd Head in a manner reminiscent of a young Child or Epileptic Fool, the Duck took Flight, where upon the Crowd dispers'd and return'd to its manifold Duties, thus confounding the Bailiffs, who had no Choice but to return the manacl'd SMITH to the Publick Gaol.

Barring a Return Appearance of the Fowl, Retribution shall be meted out on Noon Time of the Morrow. Citizens are reminded to bring sufficient rotted Food Stuffs, deceas'd Cats, brimming Chamber Pots & Stones to deliver onto the exposed Head and Buttocks of the Criminal SMITH.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close