adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being led to his rightful Station at the Pillory, the Drake alight'd before the Device, causing Ruckus & Howls of Laughter amongst the Citizenry. The utterance of a solitary Quack from the Duck was observ'd by Many as being Akin to a Thunderous Report from the Breeches. Even the Widow THIEDE, who is ordinarily of doleful Disposition, was seen to open wide her Maw and cackle.

The Assembled, far from demonstrating the dignified and somber Mien that befits a Mob, instead cast Bits of Bread at the Silly Bird, so as to encourage its continu'd Presence on the Common. After over a Quarter Hour of waddling about in an ungainly Fashion and wagging his taper'd Head in a manner reminiscent of a young Child or Epileptic Fool, the Duck took Flight, where upon the Crowd dispers'd and return'd to its manifold Duties, thus confounding the Bailiffs, who had no Choice but to return the manacl'd SMITH to the Publick Gaol.

Barring a Return Appearance of the Fowl, Retribution shall be meted out on Noon Time of the Morrow. Citizens are reminded to bring sufficient rotted Food Stuffs, deceas'd Cats, brimming Chamber Pots & Stones to deliver onto the exposed Head and Buttocks of the Criminal SMITH.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close