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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being led to his rightful Station at the Pillory, the Drake alight'd before the Device, causing Ruckus & Howls of Laughter amongst the Citizenry. The utterance of a solitary Quack from the Duck was observ'd by Many as being Akin to a Thunderous Report from the Breeches. Even the Widow THIEDE, who is ordinarily of doleful Disposition, was seen to open wide her Maw and cackle.

The Assembled, far from demonstrating the dignified and somber Mien that befits a Mob, instead cast Bits of Bread at the Silly Bird, so as to encourage its continu'd Presence on the Common. After over a Quarter Hour of waddling about in an ungainly Fashion and wagging his taper'd Head in a manner reminiscent of a young Child or Epileptic Fool, the Duck took Flight, where upon the Crowd dispers'd and return'd to its manifold Duties, thus confounding the Bailiffs, who had no Choice but to return the manacl'd SMITH to the Publick Gaol.

Barring a Return Appearance of the Fowl, Retribution shall be meted out on Noon Time of the Morrow. Citizens are reminded to bring sufficient rotted Food Stuffs, deceas'd Cats, brimming Chamber Pots & Stones to deliver onto the exposed Head and Buttocks of the Criminal SMITH.

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