adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Historical Archives: A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon

In PHILADELPHIA, comes News that John ADAMS, an esteem'd AUTHOR of the fundamental DECLARATION of our INDEPENDENCE, has once again taken up, in the name of nation'l PRIDE, a great CAUSE; an' that after taking up the Cause of Exploration, along with a tun of best Brandy, and a Caske of Ale, and a Caraff of Wine, and a brimming Flaggon of Meade, and another Caske of Ale, and atop that a Caske of Ale half-finish'd; and made the bold proclaim-ation that a MAN, and that man being main Free, under the Laws of our great Countrie, should be Placed upon the august grey Face of The MOON; and should stride around thereabouts, and plant a FLAGGE; and for reasons Inexplicable to all but this Father of our Nation, also play at a Game of bat-and-wickets thereupon.

"We should Choose, To travel to the MOON, Not because it is Easy, but because I am Drunk, and I say it will not be that Hard," exclaim'd the tottering Adams, speaking from the White House, a Disreputable TAVERN on the South Side of Philadelphia, upon the Roof of which Adams had seen fit to be in his cups Esconced, and without his Pantaloons withall. "Together, we can Arrive at the MOON, in under ten Years, if we start walking now; this very minute; get a move on, you great Apes, I should put my Boots in your Arses, were they not bought in London and worth altogether more than your life. Who is for a drink as we march moons-ward?"

ADAMS, as if too accentuate his opinione for those assemble'd, for a period not exceeding one half minute, re-moved his pants.

"You say, 'But the MOON is afar, and made of Cheese, and besides, there two of them a-wobble in the sky,' and I say, You are in the main Correct," said Adams in a speech deliver'd some hours later in the Rose Garden, an ale-shed of ill-repute across Tallywdew Street from Thaddeusss' House of Philadelphia Steaks-and-Cheese-Upon-The-Bread, that very same Evening. "You say, 'But I am scared.' You say, 'But the British shall beat us there.' You say, 'I have not the money.' Yes, you would say those things. You, the fat one. I see you! I shall have your ballocks for shirt buttons, you whore-son bastard. Why dost thou hate America? Traitor! Barman, shoot that jack-ass, and be quick about it!"

Before the Night was Out, ADAMS had acquired a great Following, that had him roughly Convinced, that while Travel to the Moon was a lofty Aim, perhaps eight or twelve hours of Sleep was better. Yet before ADAMS was borne off on wings of BACCHUS to his Repose in fields Elysian, did he make a great Hue and Cry, for many Things, these including: that he should, some day, achieve an office he mysteriously referred to as Vice-President; That he could "lick" any† Man in the Continental Congress; that he pined yet for the hand of Lady Jacqueline Lallie, his childe-hood SWEETHEART; and that Peace with the British, "those hate-full chin-less tea-sotted mongrels," should be Achieved, only over his dead BODDIE.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close