adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: A Salt Cake Recipe

Top Headlines

Recent News

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Historical Archives: A Salt Cake Recipe

A Salt Cake Recipe.

Commit'd to papere for the edification, and use full-ness of the wife of the Reader in his Kitchen.

Lately arrived to our Shores from FRANCE, a Recipe for SALT CAKE. Penned by renowned PARIS Confectioner and Brothel Owner MADAME BROUSSARD, it is remarked to be the sweetest Delicacy yet tasted.

The Preparation could not be simpler, as even a mere BABE of three years age could manage it, though not advisable following the Mince Pie-making Tragedy that befell the CARTER Childe from WORCESTER this April last.

Ingredients:

Two Large Buckets Sea-Brine

Four Pounds Jew's Salt

One And One Half Pounds Butter (Salted)

One Blueberry

Any lacking Ingredient May be substituted with doubled Parts Coal Cinders, excepting the Blueberry, for which Two Pinches Salt are recommended if the Fruit cannot be obtained.

Preparation:

Combine All ingredients Inside salted Hog Carcass of faire size. Allow To lie in hottest Noonday Sun until last trace of Moisture is expunged. Shape Cake with liberally salted Mason's Trowel, adding Salt as necessary.

Blindness and retching of the blackest BLOOD are oft noted upon consumption of the wond'rous Salt Cake, but will likely abate following Two and Twenty hours.

Finally, serve to a Man or MEN, with all due Deference and Respect, on a Plate or Bowl made by the Hand with the sweat of Honour and Loyalty to the Sub-servient dicta, &tc.;, of Law & Nature, and by God's Will.

Makes a fine Complement to Hardtack.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close