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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Historical Archives: A Salt Cake Recipe

A Salt Cake Recipe.

Commit'd to papere for the edification, and use full-ness of the wife of the Reader in his Kitchen.

Lately arrived to our Shores from FRANCE, a Recipe for SALT CAKE. Penned by renowned PARIS Confectioner and Brothel Owner MADAME BROUSSARD, it is remarked to be the sweetest Delicacy yet tasted.

The Preparation could not be simpler, as even a mere BABE of three years age could manage it, though not advisable following the Mince Pie-making Tragedy that befell the CARTER Childe from WORCESTER this April last.

Ingredients:

Two Large Buckets Sea-Brine

Four Pounds Jew's Salt

One And One Half Pounds Butter (Salted)

One Blueberry

Any lacking Ingredient May be substituted with doubled Parts Coal Cinders, excepting the Blueberry, for which Two Pinches Salt are recommended if the Fruit cannot be obtained.

Preparation:

Combine All ingredients Inside salted Hog Carcass of faire size. Allow To lie in hottest Noonday Sun until last trace of Moisture is expunged. Shape Cake with liberally salted Mason's Trowel, adding Salt as necessary.

Blindness and retching of the blackest BLOOD are oft noted upon consumption of the wond'rous Salt Cake, but will likely abate following Two and Twenty hours.

Finally, serve to a Man or MEN, with all due Deference and Respect, on a Plate or Bowl made by the Hand with the sweat of Honour and Loyalty to the Sub-servient dicta, &tc.;, of Law & Nature, and by God's Will.

Makes a fine Complement to Hardtack.

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