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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Historical Archives: Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel

BE IT KNOWN that ALEXANDER HAMILTON, once a serveant to the American People in the halls of CONGRESS and now practicing law in the State of New York, has challenged the Populace of the very Nation he once serv'd as Leader, to a Duel. Owing to these many AFFRONTS by these same Citizens regarding: The manner in which he comports himself in affairs of business and finances; His insistence that the Artickles of Confederation be not the Ideal Rules of Governance; And on the quality of company which he keeps with man-folk—M. HAMILTON will have satisfaction at sun-up, a week hence, with Himself as Insulted Partie choosing the Weapon'ry.

Thus M. HAMILTON Vowes: To best every inhabitant of these thirteen States and restore his Honneur. At SUN-UP, the one-and-a-half millions of men of shooting age must arive up'n the western bank of the Hudson River in Weehawken, armed with such pistols or rapiers as M. HAMILTON sees fit to specify, and accompanied by a second. As is the custom, a count of three shall be given, and the parties shall turn and fyre, either to wound or to kill. Should any of his country-men fail to appear, M. HAMILTON will presume they are COWARDS not worthie of his attention and shall be declared their better. With his victory in tow, he shall retire to a Publick House in New York to boisterously ridickule the Losers over several Pints of Ale for which he will paye.

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