adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel

BE IT KNOWN that ALEXANDER HAMILTON, once a serveant to the American People in the halls of CONGRESS and now practicing law in the State of New York, has challenged the Populace of the very Nation he once serv'd as Leader, to a Duel. Owing to these many AFFRONTS by these same Citizens regarding: The manner in which he comports himself in affairs of business and finances; His insistence that the Artickles of Confederation be not the Ideal Rules of Governance; And on the quality of company which he keeps with man-folk—M. HAMILTON will have satisfaction at sun-up, a week hence, with Himself as Insulted Partie choosing the Weapon'ry.

Thus M. HAMILTON Vowes: To best every inhabitant of these thirteen States and restore his Honneur. At SUN-UP, the one-and-a-half millions of men of shooting age must arive up'n the western bank of the Hudson River in Weehawken, armed with such pistols or rapiers as M. HAMILTON sees fit to specify, and accompanied by a second. As is the custom, a count of three shall be given, and the parties shall turn and fyre, either to wound or to kill. Should any of his country-men fail to appear, M. HAMILTON will presume they are COWARDS not worthie of his attention and shall be declared their better. With his victory in tow, he shall retire to a Publick House in New York to boisterously ridickule the Losers over several Pints of Ale for which he will paye.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close