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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Historical Archives: Bald Eagles Evr'y Where

The growing publick Outcry over the North American BALD EAGLE grew ever more voluminous this week, as disgusted citizens demanded that the Congress act to address this INFESTATION of the nuisance Species, which has been such a Plague on Americans of late, and has recently become ever more so, due to its o'er-whelming Numbers, fear-less Personalitie, and nigh-unto-endless Range of Habitat, which extends from the farthest northern Climes to the southernmost realms of these newly united States.

The heavy-brow'd, angry-looking CREATURE, chosen by the Founders as our Nation's National Bird due to its ubiquitous Presence, has long been a familiar Sight, roosting in ev'ry Tree, Barn, publick Lamp-Post, and Church-Steeple, across the LAND.

Scowling, Stern-Faced Creatures Blanket Eastern Seaboard In Its Entire.

But in recent years this screeching, rapacious Predator, flying this Way and that, has become a great Inconvenience, and Men have grown sicke of the sight of it. In Boston, reports shew, every-where one looks, the Bald Eagle, its annoying little white HEADE poking above the Roof-Tops, makes it-self known, and in Philadelphia, greate swarming Flockes of Bald Eagles frighten the Women and LIVE-STOCK, and their relent-less squawks, from Dawn 'til Duske, drives the town's-folk to Distracktion.

"Just t'other Daye, one of these brazen Birds did swoop down and steal from my Line a fine and healthy Trout-fish," lamented gentleman farmer Thomas Parker, of Virginia. "In the morn, when I ope the Flu to my Chimney, I am startled beyond Sense, as the Roome fills of a Sudden with the flapping and screeching of a DOZEN OR MORE of the winged Thinges. And in the Night-Time, one lies awake on constant guard against a bald eagle flying throu a win-dow and with its talons prancing our bodies up and down."

Parker concluded by invoking the name of our Lord and asking what is to be done about the Bald Eagle SCOURGE?

Is the NORWEIGIAN BROWNE RAT the Answer?

Though it is in all probability Unknown to most Readers of this Publickation, as it is so few in number as to be a Novelty upon these Shores, the Browne Rat of Norway may be Our Salvation against the encroach-ment of the abundant Bald Eagle Pests.

The "Rat" is a versatile RODENTE blessed with sturdy Viking ancestry and a great Capacity for Courage much admired by zoologickal Science for its hardiness and Determination. Though there are as of yet only a few dozen of the precious Specimens to be found in the New World, scientifickal EXPERTS have said that a care-full breeding program, judiciously employ'd, may allow them to multiply.

"If tended with care, the two barn Rats might soon become four, and then six-teen, eventually reaching the Majoritye necessary to rid the Propertie of Bald Eagle Infestations, and there-by proteckt our Goodes, from these feather'd Fiends' rapacious Plund'ring," said Jeremiah Frye, special Consultant on Animal Husbandry, to the Office of the Mayor, of New York City.

Though the Question remains as to whether these rats of NORWAY shall prove equal to the taske of displacing the Powerful Raptors it is generally agreed upon, by all concerned, that the Rat has shewn great Stamina, and pow'rful Constitution, and so may yet prove capable of great FEATES; yea, even against the cursed Eagle it-self.

"The Rat, being so hardy, is to be founde in the Towne Dumpes, requires little Feed, and is alleg'd to be able to survive the wintriest COLDE, and the worste HEATE, and to, with great persistance, squirme and wriggle† in to ev'ry Corner and Nooke, to facilitate its own Protecktion in the Face of Adversitie," Frye said of the NOBLE BEAST whose leavings are as small as a cock-roach. "P'haps this Rat may be the last HOPE for saving our chosen nation."

To this end, it has been propos'd in Congress, that a size-able TAX Discounte, shall be put into Law to reward any Citizen, who through preferential treatment towards the Rat, shall cause Two and Thirty of the FURRIE ANGELS to be borne on their Propertie, and allow'd to thrive, to better combat the Eagle Advance.

A VOTE is to be caste on the Issue within a month's end, and it is hoped the Leaders of this new Republican Government, in their Wisdome, will take up the cause of the Rat, that a more order'd BALANCE be brought to NATURE, here in this great Land of ours, by Grace of GOD.

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