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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Historical Archives: Ben Franklin Inventions This Week

The Death-Kite.

The Carton Device For The Conveyance Of Eggs, To Minimize Breakage On Even The Moſt

Uneven Of Foot-Paths.

The U.S. Patent (Patented By Benjamin Franklin).

The Manual Vaginal Penetration Stick.

Power Windows.

The Inflatable Oblong Balloon, The Sort That Emits A Thunderous Clap, One Reſembling The Loud Exhale From One's Nether Regions.

Maidenhead Glue.

Math.

Being A Great And Pretentious Old Wind-Bag.

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